Dating-Love-Relationships.com ~ Steve Nakamoto's Blog

This weekend I attended a business marketing seminar near my home in Los Angeles. This seminar featured a lineup of relatively unknown up-and-coming thought leaders and experts who were there to share ideas as well as promote their products and services.

One of the speakers was a successful business woman who had a theater background from performing and directing on Broadway. She communicated to the audience in a powerful and lively style which had, in my opinion, one glaring weakness: the overuse of foul language.

I created the list below while I was taking notes at the seminar. In about 90 minutes, this speaker used the following assortment of cuss words in which I came up with cleaner alternatives:

(Cuss Words = Clean Words)

?!@#$%asshole?!@#$% = A-hole
?!@#$%fuck?!@#$% = fudge or the “F” bomb
?!@#$%give a shit?!@#$% = give a hoot or give a darn
?!@#$%fuck you?!@#$% = F.U.
?!@#$%fucking?!@#$% = freaking
?!@#$%bullshit?!@#$% = B.S.
?!@#$%damn?!@#$% = darn
?!@#$%son of a bitch?!@#$% = S.O.B.
?!@#$%crap?!@#$% = crud
?!@#$%motherfucker?!@#$% = mother or MFer
?!@#$%pissed off?!@#$% = P.O.ed
?!@#$%hell yes!@#$% = heck yes
?!@#$%bitch!@#$% = the “B” word or beeosh

The fact is that certain cuss words and phrases do create high-impact shock value in a person’s communication when used appropriately. But that value must be carefully weighed against the negative impact of poor taste and how much it offends a particular audience.

For example, as a regular listener to sports talk shows on the radio, I’m fully aware of how important it is for hosts of these shows to relate in the same language as their largely young male audiences. But at the same time, the FCC censors the use of certain words from being said on the radio to protect the general audience and younger audiences in particular.

As a smart communicator, you should strongly consider reducing or eliminating the regular use of offensive foul language in your conversations with general audiences. What you might gain in shock value from the use of profanity is most likely outweighed by the negative effects of poor taste. Be smart by saving your “bar language” for the local tavern. Use your cleaner language, for making more favorable impressions with the general public.

THE BOTTOM LINE

There is a time and place for everything and no truer words have ever been spoken when it comes to the overuse of foul language. The smarter course of action is to begin eliminating dirty words and phrases and substituting cleaner language with similar meanings in your everyday language. Like a sports talk show host, you will be able to retain the flavor of your message without the crudeness and offensiveness of distasteful foul language.

Over the weekend, I received some dating/love questions from a young woman in Australia. I thought that some of the issues would be of value to many of those who read my works. It’s always fun and challenging for me to come up with fresh takes on things that I understand on a deeper level.

I hope that my comments are helpful in raising your awareness around these important topics concerning dating, love, and romantic relationships.

Question 1: When should a women draw the line between not settling for a particular man or love situation and not having too high of expectations? And how is this even more difficult when a woman has been single for a long time?

Steve’s comment: A wise person gauges whether it feels right and is good for both people. There is also a mysterious bonus quality where it feels like the Gods are smiling down on both of you and approving it all. Also, don’t let time be a factor where it puts undo pressure on you. The decision on going forward in a romantic love relationship must be entirely free of any time pressure. Love does not respond well to “push.” And “not settling” is when a person is fear-motivated instead of desire-inspired. Always go with the pure intention of desire and not by the twisted negative motivations of fear, doubt, and worry.

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Question 2: How about when a woman is comparing two types of men? Let’s say there is one who is business savvy, wealthy, and driven and the other is perhaps a tradesman with a great personality, easygoing, and simple. What things should a woman consider in order to make the right choice for her future love life and not just for the moment?

Steve’s comment: You would go with the one who truly loves you. It would be the person who resonates stronger with you. It would the one who doesn’t want to change you and loves you as you are. The clue would be the one who listens to you most closely. It would also be the person who you are more at ease with when nothing is going on….in the quiet spaces where souls connect. So you want to go with the stronger love connection as well as the person who is a better values and lifestyle match. So the “values and lifestyle match” is determined by who you are as much as it is the man.

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Question 3: Every woman has the ideal man mapped out in their head. Therefore, what are three key things a woman should do in order to get exactly what she wants?

Steve’s comment:  1) Become the person that this ideal man would truly like, admire, respect, adore, desire, and love, 2) Associate with the kind of people that this type of man would love to associate with, 3) Do the kind of activities that this ideal man would love to do.

Realize that opportunities will come through other people. Love opportunities don’t come directly to you or through direct efforts. Opportunities come to you as side-effects of other intentions and worthwhile activities. That’s why many people often remark about what a surprise love encounters seem to be. In addition, these opportunities for love may be disguised as failure or temporary defeat. So never get thrown into negativity when the chance for love may be close at hand.

When it comes to getting what you want, always remember that the greatest motivating principle in love and life is “the impression of increase.” A man or woman must embody the impression of increase where they instantly and convincingly get perceived as a person who makes another person’s life significantly better. That’s why negativity (the vibration of negative emotions like fear, doubt, worry, insecurity, envy, jealousy, hate, anger, etc.) in any form will scare away love opportunities. As I wrote in my book, Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man: Angry anglers catch no fish! All people want to live a better life and you’re the one who can easily do it for them.

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Question 4: What are the common character traits of a woman who is in fact in a happy, satisfying relationship with the type of man she’s always wanted?”

Steve’s comment: Here are a few of the character traits that result when a woman has a consistently elevated emotional make-up that is based on a valued-based romantic love relationship:

Grateful for the love that she’s received –

Enthusiastic about the future –

Cheerful about daily life –

Generous & Giving of the love that fills her heart to overflow –

Peaceful & blessed with the knowing that life is great…..and that God has been kind.

This past spring I led a group of 39 senior citizens on a 7-day sightseeing tour to our nation’s capital, Washington D.C. “The District,” as it is commonly known, is a great place to visit especially in the springtime when the cherry blossoms are in full bloom.

Our 7 day trip was packed with many interesting activities including: a scenic lunch cruise on the Potomac River, a guided tour of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, a walking tour of the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, an evening illumination tour of all Washington’s monuments and memorials, a seafood dinner with crabcakes in a trendy Georgetown restaurant, and a visit to the battlefields of Gettysburg, to name a few.

At the end of our seven days together, I handed out an evaluation form to all of the passengers where they had an opportunity to rate the various aspects of the tour. Some of those aspects included: airline service, quality of the hotels, choice of restaurants, variety of attractions, and overall design of the tour, as well as the performances of the tour director and motorcoach driver.

On this particular trip, I received 38 very good-to-excellent reports on my performance as the tour director. Unfortunately, one dissatisfied tour client wrote on their evaluation form, “Steve Nakamoto likes to talk about himself too much. There were just too many I’s and me’s whenever he spoke to us.”

At first I was ticked off by this person’s evaluation and thought it was unfair to me considering all the things that I do for passengers on my tour. But this passenger did me a valuable service by reminding me of the delicate balance between sharing relevant personal experiences and not talking in terms of the other person’s interests.

The truth about human nature is that people will respond favorably to the words “you,” “we,” and “us.” On the other hand, many folks will soon tire of a speaker who refers to themselves by saying “I” and “me” too often.

In the future, I will remember to speak more in terms of the other person and keep my own personal references to the minimum. In addition, I will apologize in advance for sounding like I’m talking about myself too much. And if I do find myself telling a personal story I’ll also mention that I’m only doing so only for the benefit of the listener and not to draw unnecessary attention to myself.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Learn to talk in terms of the other person rather than in terms of yourself. You can do this quickly and easily by using the words “you”, “we”, and “us” in far greater abundance than the words “I” and “me.” By doing so, you’ll prevent your listeners from getting the negative impression that your communication is solely for your own entertainment.

Here’s an interview that I did on April 18th with Lucia “The Cougar Expert” on LA Talk Radio. This is how she promoted the interview:

How can you tell when a man is in love with you? What is the difference between chemistry and infatuation? How can you become an irresistible woman? Find out in this upbeat interview with Steve Nakamoto, former personal development trainer for Tony Robbins and author of, “Dating Rocks: The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love”.

Click here to listen to the interview now!

Last week I received an email from a woman wanting some male perspective on an all-too-common problem for physically attractive women who meet high-profile men. Her story went like this:

“I began dating a gorgeous guy about 3 months ago and things started out wonderfully. We would go on dates and have a great time laughing and talking. Somehow, though, the relationship sort of turned into middle of the night booty calls and now I find myself in the midst of a full on sexual relationship with no substance. He never calls, we never date and there’s no friendship. He just calls for sex and then is off on his merry way. Is there some way to salvage this relationship and get him to like me for more than just sex?”

Here’s my reply to this woman’s challenge:

If he never calls, never ask you out for a date, and there is no friendship, then you don’t really have a mutually-fulfilling love relationship.

What you do have is a limited part-time sex-only relationship. Maybe this indicates that you have very little in common and don’t resonate very well on an every day conversational basis.

My guess is that he does not get the “impression of increase” from you. What that means is that his life doesn’t feel significantly better by spending significant quality time with you. He only sees value for him by spending small doses of time doing a high-intensity self-indulgent activity like sex with you. This, of course, is not a soul-connecting enriching experience of love. It is just a simple thrill that will probably be short-lived and limited in value.

Right now, he has the upper hand in that he controls the situation in the way that suits him best. You probably don’t offer any kind of resistance to his wishes so that he mistakenly believes that it works just as well for you.

The only way for this to change is if you gain the upper hand from time to time. That comes from having just as much or more to offer than he does. Then you must be able to boldly say “no” or walk away from the situation without any pain, fear of loss or negativity.

If you can create an emotional shift in him, then your relationship can change over the short-term. Saying “no” and being able to walk away can present a sort of challenge to him and he may want to win you over again. But if you can’t create an emotional shift, then nothing is likely to change and love will not progress or grow.

However, if you want to create a deeper love connection with a man like this who gets plenty of attention and has his emotional need for significance already filled, then you must embody something that he can’t get. (Note: This may take an entire seminar in itself to explain) In a nutshell, it’s about being the kind of woman who is a unique source of joy, beauty, wisdom, and peace in any kind of situation.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Being a feisty “hottie” is a great way to attract desirable men. But in order to create a lasting desire in men, an enlightened woman must also embody the character traits of a “Sweetie,” “Pal,” and “Person” of unique value.

I recently received the following message from a man about a big challenge that he’s facing in his relationship:

“My girlfriend of 5 years revealed that she cheated on me with a guy she works with but begged me to forgive her. She even changed jobs to assure me that it would never happen again and that she would do anything for me not to leave her. I told her I would try and stayed. The thing is, every little thing she does now gets on my nerves and it’s becoming clear that I’m starting to build resentment towards her. Is there any way to forgive her and move on from this without going into some sort of therapy?”

Here was my reply:

You can choose to see this as a test of strength in your relationship. Is your love for each other greater than the negativity cause by an act of infidelity?

If you both will move forward and put all of your energy on your love for each other, then your relationship can grow in a healthy manner.

If either of you chooses to remain in the past by holding resentment on your part or by lapsing into guilt on her part, then the negativity will continue to resurface and prevent your love from succeeding.

On her part, she has asked for forgiveness, changed jobs, and has shown remorse. If she can move forward, put her mistake behind her, and resist negativity in all of its forms (sadness, guilt, fear of loss, hurt), then she will have done all that she could possibly do. And if her intention is motivated by love and not just security, then she will be doing so for all the right reasons.

On your part, you’ve got to figure out why “every little thing gets on your nerves.” Are you focusing on the negative and are you not counting your blessings?” Remember, that resentment is more your problem than hers. It’s a form of negativity that is eating away at you and something that you’ve got to move past.

As far as therapy goes, there are many techniques to change emotional patterns such as scrambling images or collapsing negative anchors to name a few. But the healthiest and most enlightened way to overcome this obstacle is to rise to the challenge and consistently focus your energy on love, forgiveness, honesty, and gratitude. These are the timeless solutions to every relationship problem.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Forgiveness requires emotional maturity and clear accurate thinking in order to move forward and put energy back into a love relationship. But this challenge is perhaps the only healthy way to resolve issues around infidelity.

Last week I was asked to appear on the NBC Today Show for a special segment on love relationships. I told them that I lived in Los Angeles and couldn’t make it to New York on only one day’s notice. They assumed that I lived in New York because of my affiliation with their subsidiary, iVillage.com, as the Mr. Answer Man relationship expert.

Before hanging up with the assistant producer, Sabrina, I asked her what they wanted to talk to me about for the show. She said that they wanted me to comment on why so many celebrity couples were having problems in their relationships (Example: Tiger Woods, presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, etc.).

So I thought it over for a few days and came up with a quick answer that I would have shared on The Today Show segment (Note: You sometimes only get 30-45 seconds on a nationally-televised news show to respond).

My response to the question, “What are the biggest mistakes that couples make in their love relationships?” is as follows:

First, couples create most of their problems by consistent neglect. They neglect to say the following phrases every day whenever appropriate:

“Thank you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Please forgive me.”

“I love you.”

And so these couples drifted apart and lose their positive connection.

Secondly, since every person has a built-in need to improve their lives, they say things that the other person interprets as criticism when it’s just natural to want more out of life. But it’s the build-up of criticism that eats away at the love and romance in relationships.

This is what happens when criticism or complaining about the other person becomes a regular pattern:

When the man hears criticism, it affects his ego and he gets mad or frustrated.

When the woman hears criticism, it affects her sense of self-worth and she feels hurt or sad.

Understanding this key difference will help couples anticipate their partner’s reaction and stop their own behaviors which trigger these negative responses.

THE BOTTOM LINE

People don’t need advice about their relationships. They only need to raise their awareness of natural behavior and consistently do what makes things better and stop doing whatever causes damage especially criticism and complaining.

Here’s a list of important talking points that I created in preparation for a sales training meeting that I’m conducting next week.

While traditional businesses may be slow to embrace the principles of ”The Law of Attraction,” enlightened peak performance individuals are more than eager to gain greater understanding on how the world works – especially the challenging world of selling.

• Thoughts are things. They are the smallest vibration of matter.

• The vibration that you send out to the world is made up with the sum of your thoughts, images, emotions, and actions.

• Thoughts and images are amplified by your emotions. (by a factor of 1000+)

• Your emotions create the most powerful factor in your vibration.

• What you think and how you feel about something will either attract what you want or what you don’t want – whichever is strongest.

• You attract your greatest desires or your most real fears.

• Real fears are the ones that consistently show up. Real fears are automatic.

• If left unchecked and undisciplined, fear will win out over desire.

• The secret to getting what you want is to fall in love with whatever you desire.

• Your subconscious mind will automatically do what it loves to do.

• Love, desire, courage, and a sense of purpose combine to overrule fear.

• The Universe/Divine sends back to you what you desire in the form of an opportunity. It does not give you the things you want directly.

• The opportunity is disguised as failure, misfortune, temporary defeat, or something that you don’t want. That is why so many people fail to recognize opportunity when it is presented.

• Opportunities originate from the Divine but come through other people. The Divine is the ultimate source, but it is passed on to you through other human beings.

• The opportunity requires you to step up, be uncomfortable, and take action.

• When you attract an opportunity it will always require that you make a decision to give up something of a lower nature to embrace something of a higher nature (ie: what you have attracted will cost you either time, energy, money, control, comfort).

• Fear in the form of indecision, doubt or worry stop you from taking action.

• You must step through the experience by taking action in order to move closer to your desire.

• From this higher place of experience, you’ll be presented with new opportunities or challenges that require you to step up and take more action in order to move you closer to what you desire.

• Like golf, success is a process of moving closer to your objective until you are in range to strike with precision.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Learn, study, practice, and implement the lessons for “The Law of Attraction” in your business so that you can be in the natural flow of abundance, success, and peace of mind.

There is a critical difference between a clever action and one that is deemed wise. That difference becomes clearly evident when you study consequences, particularly negative ones, over time.

In a classic case of clever action, Pete Carroll, head coach of the powerhouse USC Trojans football team, humiliated his cross-town rival UCLA Bruins with a late-minute surprise pass play, that increase his team’s already insurmountable lead from 14 to 21 points. When asked about his controversial decision, Coach Carroll answered, “Jeremy (assistant coach Jeremy Bates) had the thought. I said, ‘That’s a heck of a call, man.’”

What rubbed salt into the wounded psyche of UCLA was the celebration from the USC players and coaches after the touchdown was scored. One USC player even stuck out his tongue at the UCLA sidelines in an obvious display of taunting. All of this unsportsmanlike conduct was captured on camera for the public to see and for opponents of USC to replay over and over again.

The clever actions of the USC coaches allowed their team to enjoy a short-term jolt of pleasure. And for the weeks following that decision, not a single apology was made in the media by a USC player, coach, or university administrator.

As a result, the consequences of the football team’s actions will automatically come back to haunt them in the future. That’s because a Natural Law of the Universe known as “The Law of Compensation” clearly and succinctly states: For every action, there is a greater or equal reaction.

So in regards to Coach Carroll’s clever decision to punish their already defeated opponent by running up the score, what is the automatic “greater or equal reaction?” The answer is that they inadvertently and unwisely instilled a burning desire for revenge in their cross town rivals which will last for many years to come.

If I was to engage in a conversation with Coach Carroll I’d be sure to ask him, “Have you ever read the book, Think And Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill?” And naturally, I’d expect him to say that he has.

But then I’d follow up his remark by asking, “Do you remember learning about the starting point of all achievement?”

He’d probably get annoyed and ask me what I was getting at.

And here’s what I’d like the opportunity to share with him:

According to Dr. Napoleon Hill, the starting point of all success is desire. And in your last-minute cleverness, you unknowingly gave the UCLA Bruins the missing element to their future success – a burning desire. Up until this point, the Bruins football philosophy had been about turning around their program, becoming competitive, and getting better. But the intensity was never turned up to point of “white hot” desire, as Dr. Hill describes, that can come from experiencing humiliation and seeking revenge.

The memory of that humiliating play and the celebration afterwards will automatically fuel the Bruins through boring off-season conditioning, grueling fall practices, and inevitable challenges that need to be overcome during the season. No longer will it be about becoming competitive or getting better. The heat has been officially turned up several notches to something akin to “Beat the wholly crap out of every single one of those arrogant, front-running USC bastards!”

There is no denying that Coach Pete Carroll of the USC Trojans possesses a clever football mind. He won lots of football games, recruited high-quality players, and turned his school’s program into one of the top in the nation. But this particular action against the UCLA Bruins (and he’s had over 3 weeks to qualify his position on this), shows his lack of awareness between an action that is clever and one that is regarded as wise.

Cleverness may award a person or, in this case, a football team, short-term desirable results. But wisdom recognizes the full spectrum of potential consequences over time. In his exuberance to win, Pete Carroll gave his players and fans another thrill to boost their feelings of superiority over a defeated, inferior opponent. But unfortunately in this case, he has given a precious gift to his bitter rival – the missing “white hot desire” to take them down hard in the future.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Understand and live your life with respect to the Law of Compensation which reads: For every action there is a greater or equal reaction. Think, say and do only things that will bring fruit to your life in the future. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for what you don’t want over time. The Universe makes this automatic no matter who you are or what you do. That’s just the way life works in our world and not to think so would be naïve.

People can provide valuable feedback about yourself if you’re willing to put aside your ego and observe closely.

For example, one evening I was over my girlfriend Nora’s house and noticed that there was an empty frozen food container of Trader Joe’s Chicken Gorgonzola in the trash. Since I’ve purchased this same item before I knew that each container of chicken gorgonzola was designed to serve two people.

Without much forethought, I said to Nora, “That chicken gorgonzola was meant to feed two people.”

She replied in a hurt, defensive tone, “I didn’t eat it all. I saved the other piece of chicken in the refrigerator for you.”

I paused after Nora’s remark and then said that I was just passing along information that I wasn’t sure she was aware of. I didn’t apologize for my remarks or support her position. I only stated my intention. This strategy didn’t win me any points with her and the discussion was quickly ended.

Later that night I got to thinking that maybe what Nora was communicating to me was that I have been too critical of her. Her reaction must have been based on a long history of unsolicited advice that I’ve given her over the course of our relationship.

With this new awareness, I decided to make the following adjustments in my approach to her in order to remove the expectation of criticism and improve our relationship:

1. Pause a moment to assess the situation accurately.

2. Give little or no unsolicited advice.

3. Begin with light humor & keep the conversation on the light side.

4. Preface any remarks by saying that I am only passing along third party information and not advice. I could even begin by saying, “For what it’s worth…”

5. Let small or insignificant things pass without any comments.

6. Apologize immediately for any hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

7. Show her more support, kindness, and gratitude on a regular basis.

By preparing advance with these steps, I’ll be better equipped to make this a new behavior for improving my relationship with Nora and anyone else through higher awareness, better communication, and deeper understanding.

THE BOTTOM LINE

People are like mirrors. They will reflect back to you the kind of communication you’re sending out towards them. All it takes is the humility and awareness to recognize the hidden messages that they want you to receive. And in my case, one of the most common messages is that unsolicited advice in the form of “passing along information” means “criticism” to many who are close to me.