Relationship & Communication Mastery Blog Presented By Steve Nakamoto

LEARN HOW TO BE BRIEF: The great 19th Century American writer, Mark Twain, once said, “The worst kind of death is to be talked to death.” Twain’s message illustrated how excruciating it can be when you find yourself trapped in a boring conversation with a long-winded, unaware individual.

Last weekend I found myself in this type of situation when I went to pick up my friend Tom for a morning of beach volleyball. When I drove up to Tom’s house, I bumped into Tom’s neighbor, Ed. My experience with Ed is that he likes to tell long stories. Therefore, I have to be careful about getting into conversations with him when I have time constraints (like getting to the beach in time to meet up with friends).

Now I should first point out that Ed is a very nice person and to him a friendly conversation is part of his normal way of socializing. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to recognize when the other person is short on time or he just doesn’t know how to keep his stories brief. With Ed, it is very common for me to make a general comment in passing like “it’s a great day for volleyball” and have that lead to a 10-minute monologue on his part. Ed will often reply to such a comment by saying, “Yes, it’s a great day for volleyball. It reminds me of a time back in Kansas when I used to play ball and …blah, blah, blah.”

I’m sure that I come across to Ed as being a little rude but I’m almost forced to cut him short or listen impatiently when I don’t have the time. Ed doesn’t realize that his tendency to tell long, uninterrupted stories causes me to want to avoid getting into conversations with him. Even when I do have time to chat, I have to prepare myself for an unbalanced conversation where I’m likely to spend about 80% of my time listening and only 20% talking.

Ed may not be aware of himself being long-winded or maybe he doesn’t know how to be brief. In an effort to help those individuals who don’t know how to be brief, here are some pointers that will balance the air time so other people have an equal chance to talk:

• Don’t talk more than 15 seconds without letting the other person say a few words. This gives the other person a chance to say something before talking too much on your part.

• If you feel the need to share a story make sure to preface it by saying “Here’s a quick story.” Or you can also try asking for permission by saying “Can I tell you a quick story?”

• Make your quick stories quick by limiting yourself to two minutes at the most.

• Tell only the action part of the story. Avoid spending much time setting the scene or background to your story. If the story is interesting to the other person and they have the time to listen, there will be time later to fill in the details later when asked.

• Don’t start at square one – skip ahead to the meat of the story where the action lies.

• Like telling a joke, don’t draw out your story too long with lots of details or else you risk losing the attention of your audience.

• Ask “Are you with me?” somewhere in the middle of your story if you sense that you’re losing your audience’s attention. This also means that effective communication requires you to monitor the non-verbal response of your audience.

• If you start to drag or the listener shows you by their body language that they are not paying much attention quickly sum up your remarks by saying, “So to make a long story short…” or “So the point of my story is this….” or “So in other words, ….”

To be an effective communicator in both your personal and professional relationships, you must learn how to be brief. The reality of communication is that most people’s attention spans are short…and sometimes very short!

THE BOTTOM LINE

Don’t bore people with long monologues. Learn to say what you have to say quickly, get to the point, and let the other person have a chance to speak. This habit will allow you to have a more receptive audience the next time you encounter these same people.

Last Monday night, a bunch of my old friends got together to have dinner and beers at a new BBQ restaurant near my home in Huntington Beach. Some of these guys I hadn’t seen in a few years. Our common link is that we used to spend time together going to bars and taking 3-day cruises during our wild single days in the 1990s. Now most of the guys are married, divorced, and/or have growing families.

After a big gap in time like this, we all had a lot of catching up to do with each other. It was like a high school reunion where each person only gets about a minute or two to summarize what they’ve been up to for the last several years.

For example, my friend Mike spent his time bragging about his career accomplishments and generally turned the rest of us off. Another friend, Joe, talked about his new investment career which made it sound like he was trying drum up business from us. And lastly, my friend Greg talked almost entirely about his family which was okay (but somewhat boring) but didn’t say much about himself.

When my time came to talk, I chose to say that I’ve written some semi-successful books, travelled a lot as a tour director, spent valuable time with my elderly parents, and have a lovable Scottie dog named Maggie.

The main purpose in my communication was to be brief and bring up an assortment of interesting topics that might involve my audience. The idea was to bring commonality rather than separation in my relationship with these old friends. At our current age level, the common links center around health issues, money challenges, and relationship changes. These are topics that let the other guys have a chance to talk and express their opinions.

The common mistake that many people have in these types of social situations is trying too hard to impress other people. This usually has the reverse effect. More often than not, the best way to impress other people is to be impressed by them. Instead of being Mr. Successful or Mr. Know-It-All, a wiser strategy is to concentrate on expressing your ideas enthusiastically and succinctly on subjects of mutual interest. That way your listeners will be more naturally impressed with your love for a relevant subject than on any of your efforts to awe them.

As far as the listening side of the conversation goes, you will impress other people more by being first impressed by them with their lives and their stories. The time, energy, and focus that you put on other people will have a greater positive effect than putting on yourself.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Resist the natural urge to impress other people by talking too much about yourself and your accomplishments. Instead, chose the wiser route of relating more closely with other people and showing a sincere interest in them. That way, you’ll create a strong bond that encourages further interaction. If you do have things that you are proud of talking about more extensively, let those things be revealed in time through a naturally occurring conversation once rapport has been firmly established.

About The Show:

If you are a coach, or a leader, you need coaching skills. Our show is designed to provide support in growing and improving your business, whether you an area coach, entrepreneur, manager, consultant, or owner. Find out here, where the leaders in the fields of coaching come to share their wealth of information and experience. Stay Current – Stay tuned.

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Go to this link to hear the recording of the interview:

http://wsradio.com/radio_showspage.aspx?id=57

My interview was on the 03/21/12 show with Maria Nemeth & Steve Nakamoto – Segments 3 and 4.

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To read or download the notes go to:

http://www.stevenakamoto.com/Coach.pdf

About The Host:

Christopher McAuliffe holds the Master Certified Coach credential through the International Coach Federation. A professional coach since 1996, Christopher has produced unprecedented breakthrough results with a wide spectrum of clients across the country. Christopher has a passionate commitment to the development of coaching as an honorable and honored profession. As a two-term past President of the San Diego Professional Coaches Alliance, Christopher has demonstrated a commitment to the development of Coaching as an ethical, strong profession, both self-regulating and offering consumer protection, credentialing and continuing education. The host of the popular web radio show, “The Coaching Show,” on WSRadio.com since 2002, Christopher has had the pleasure of speaking with many of the thought leaders and key players of coaching. Christopher lives in San Diego, CA with his wife and two children.

10 Power Couples Who Were College Sweethearts: Here’s an interesting article that I came across today that many on you will find interesting to read. I hope that you like this and please let me know if you want me to continue passing along these kinds of things, okay?

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From my friend Florine Church: We recently published an article that you may be interested in entitled, “10 Power Couples Who Were College Sweethearts.”  I thought perhaps you’d be interested in sharing this article with your readers? After having followed your blog for a while, I feel that this one article would align well with your blog’s subject matter. If interested, here’s the link for your convenience: http://www.bachelorsdegreeonline.com/blog/2012/10-power-couples-who-were-college-sweethearts/

Either way, I hope you continue putting out great content through your blog. It has been a sincere pleasure to read. Thanks for your time!

10 LOVE LESSONS FROM CLAUDE MONET: Here’s an interesting article that I came across today that many on you will find interesting to read. I hope that you like this and please let me know if you want me to continue passing along these kinds of things, okay?

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From my friend Donna Cullen: I recently wrote an article titled 10 Love Lessons from Claude Monet and put it on my blog here:http://www.topdatingsites.com/blog/2012/10-love-lessons-from-claude-monet/.  I think it’s an interesting read and was hoping you could take a look and if you like what you see, share it with others either via your site or any other means that you might be able to point people at something interesting (Twitter, FaceBook, email, etc.).

TEASE WITH A QUESTION: If you’ve ever listened closely to a professional speaker, you will notice that they often initiate their talks by asking their audiences a question. In fact, these speakers will frequently begin with the statement, “Let me ask you a question.” Then they will follow by asking something like: “Has there ever been a time when you felt totally helpless or afraid?” or “Have you ever been in a situation where everyone knew each other and you were the lone stranger?”

By asking a leading question, the listener is automatically forced to think. If done properly, this is an effective way to grab attention and involve your listeners quickly in a conversation with you.

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“If we would have new knowledge, we must get us a whole world of new questions.”

Susanne K. Langer ~ Author of Philosophy in a New Key (1942)

MAKE A BOLD STATEMENT: Like the headlines on the front page of The New York Times, it takes a bold statement to grab someone’s immediate attention. For example, around Valentine’s Day, you can start off a conversation by saying, “Flowers are a rip-off! The florist down the street is selling a dozen red roses for $100 plus $20 for delivery!” Another example might be: “Talk about terrible role models! The antics of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are setting a terrible example for impressionable young people.”

Making a bold statement in itself doesn’t equate to good communication. You must also learn to qualify your remarks so that don’t offend others as well.

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“Boldness and decision command, often even in evil, the respect and concurrence of mankind.”

Robert Dale Owen ~ Scottish politician (1801-1877)

START OFF AT A SNAPPY PACE: Begin by speaking in short, simple sentences as a way of warming up. Sometimes this means being as basic as saying, “Hi! How are you? What’s up?” Like Olympic sprinters in the 100 meter run, a lively two-way conversation may take a series of quick small steps before you can hit your stride. Do this instead of beginning a conversation with a long, uninterrupted monologue on your part. We have all endured that unpleasant experience at times from others.

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“She talks with deliberation, as if pressing out a ruffle on each word.”

Marcelene Cox, in Ladies’ Home Journal (1942)

DON’T SPEND MAJOR TIME ON MINOR SUBJECTS: As a general rule, spend major time on major issues and only minor time on minor issues. A characteristic of low-achieving individuals is that they tend to spend the majority of their time talking about trivial things.

A smart strategy is to assess the significance of a particular topic and give this topic its proper allotment of time. Then move on to other topics that have greater significance to your audience.

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“Good communication is stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh ~ Author of Gifts From the Sea (1955)

STAY INFORMED ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS: If you want to relate to a wider range of people, be sure to stay current on the general topics of the day. You can keep abreast of things in our world by reading a quality newspaper, listening to stimulating talk radio shows, watching the national news on television, browsing the bookstore aisles, bookmarking key Internet sites, or skimming through magazines like Newsweek, Time, Sports Illustrated, Business Week, and People.

You never know when a conversation will turn to a hot topic on business, lifestyle, politics, sports, national news, or international developments. You will look a lot smarter in the eyes of others if you have something intelligent to say over a broad range of topics.

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“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”

Jean Webster ~ Author of Daddy Long Legs (1912)