Dating-Love-Relationships.com ~ Steve Nakamoto’s Blog

Last week I was asked to appear on the NBC Today Show for a special segment on love relationships. I told them that I lived in Los Angeles and couldn’t make it to New York on only one day’s notice. They assumed that I lived in New York because of my affiliation with their subsidiary, iVillage.com, as the Mr. Answer Man relationship expert.

Before hanging up with the assistant producer, Sabrina, I asked her what they wanted to talk to me about for the show. She said that they wanted me to comment on why so many celebrity couples were having problems in their relationships (Example: Tiger Woods, presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, etc.).

So I thought it over for a few days and came up with a quick answer that I would have shared on The Today Show segment (Note: You sometimes only get 30-45 seconds on a nationally-televised news show to respond).

My response to the question, “What are the biggest mistakes that couples make in their love relationships?” is as follows:

First, couples create most of their problems by consistent neglect. They neglect to say the following phrases every day whenever appropriate:

“Thank you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Please forgive me.”

“I love you.”

And so these couples drifted apart and lose their positive connection.

Secondly, since every person has a built-in need to improve their lives, they say things that the other person interprets as criticism when it’s just natural to want more out of life. But it’s the build-up of criticism that eats away at the love and romance in relationships.

This is what happens when criticism or complaining about the other person becomes a regular pattern:

When the man hears criticism, it affects his ego and he gets mad or frustrated.

When the woman hears criticism, it affects her sense of self-worth and she feels hurt or sad.

Understanding this key difference will help couples anticipate their partner’s reaction and stop their own behaviors which trigger these negative responses.

THE BOTTOM LINE

People don’t need advice about their relationships. They only need to raise their awareness of natural behavior and consistently do what makes things better and stop doing whatever causes damage especially criticism and complaining.

Here’s a list of important talking points that I created in preparation for a sales training meeting that I’m conducting next week.

While traditional businesses may be slow to embrace the principles of ”The Law of Attraction,” enlightened peak performance individuals are more than eager to gain greater understanding on how the world works – especially the challenging world of selling.

• Thoughts are things. They are the smallest vibration of matter.

• The vibration that you send out to the world is made up with the sum of your thoughts, images, emotions, and actions.

• Thoughts and images are amplified by your emotions. (by a factor of 1000+)

• Your emotions create the most powerful factor in your vibration.

• What you think and how you feel about something will either attract what you want or what you don’t want – whichever is strongest.

• You attract your greatest desires or your most real fears.

• Real fears are the ones that consistently show up. Real fears are automatic.

• If left unchecked and undisciplined, fear will win out over desire.

• The secret to getting what you want is to fall in love with whatever you desire.

• Your subconscious mind will automatically do what it loves to do.

• Love, desire, courage, and a sense of purpose combine to overrule fear.

• The Universe/Divine sends back to you what you desire in the form of an opportunity. It does not give you the things you want directly.

• The opportunity is disguised as failure, misfortune, temporary defeat, or something that you don’t want. That is why so many people fail to recognize opportunity when it is presented.

• Opportunities originate from the Divine but come through other people. The Divine is the ultimate source, but it is passed on to you through other human beings.

• The opportunity requires you to step up, be uncomfortable, and take action.

• When you attract an opportunity it will always require that you make a decision to give up something of a lower nature to embrace something of a higher nature (ie: what you have attracted will cost you either time, energy, money, control, comfort).

• Fear in the form of indecision, doubt or worry stop you from taking action.

• You must step through the experience by taking action in order to move closer to your desire.

• From this higher place of experience, you’ll be presented with new opportunities or challenges that require you to step up and take more action in order to move you closer to what you desire.

• Like golf, success is a process of moving closer to your objective until you are in range to strike with precision.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Learn, study, practice, and implement the lessons for “The Law of Attraction” in your business so that you can be in the natural flow of abundance, success, and peace of mind.

There is a critical difference between a clever action and one that is deemed wise. That difference becomes clearly evident when you study consequences, particularly negative ones, over time.

In a classic case of clever action, Pete Carroll, head coach of the powerhouse USC Trojans football team, humiliated his cross-town rival UCLA Bruins with a late-minute surprise pass play, that increase his team’s already insurmountable lead from 14 to 21 points. When asked about his controversial decision, Coach Carroll answered, “Jeremy (assistant coach Jeremy Bates) had the thought. I said, ‘That’s a heck of a call, man.’”

What rubbed salt into the wounded psyche of UCLA was the celebration from the USC players and coaches after the touchdown was scored. One USC player even stuck out his tongue at the UCLA sidelines in an obvious display of taunting. All of this unsportsmanlike conduct was captured on camera for the public to see and for opponents of USC to replay over and over again.

The clever actions of the USC coaches allowed their team to enjoy a short-term jolt of pleasure. And for the weeks following that decision, not a single apology was made in the media by a USC player, coach, or university administrator.

As a result, the consequences of the football team’s actions will automatically come back to haunt them in the future. That’s because a Natural Law of the Universe known as “The Law of Compensation” clearly and succinctly states: For every action, there is a greater or equal reaction.

So in regards to Coach Carroll’s clever decision to punish their already defeated opponent by running up the score, what is the automatic “greater or equal reaction?” The answer is that they inadvertently and unwisely instilled a burning desire for revenge in their cross town rivals which will last for many years to come.

If I was to engage in a conversation with Coach Carroll I’d be sure to ask him, “Have you ever read the book, Think And Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill?” And naturally, I’d expect him to say that he has.

But then I’d follow up his remark by asking, “Do you remember learning about the starting point of all achievement?”

He’d probably get annoyed and ask me what I was getting at.

And here’s what I’d like the opportunity to share with him:

According to Dr. Napoleon Hill, the starting point of all success is desire. And in your last-minute cleverness, you unknowingly gave the UCLA Bruins the missing element to their future success – a burning desire. Up until this point, the Bruins football philosophy had been about turning around their program, becoming competitive, and getting better. But the intensity was never turned up to point of “white hot” desire, as Dr. Hill describes, that can come from experiencing humiliation and seeking revenge.

The memory of that humiliating play and the celebration afterwards will automatically fuel the Bruins through boring off-season conditioning, grueling fall practices, and inevitable challenges that need to be overcome during the season. No longer will it be about becoming competitive or getting better. The heat has been officially turned up several notches to something akin to “Beat the wholly crap out of every single one of those arrogant, front-running USC bastards!”

There is no denying that Coach Pete Carroll of the USC Trojans possesses a clever football mind. He won lots of football games, recruited high-quality players, and turned his school’s program into one of the top in the nation. But this particular action against the UCLA Bruins (and he’s had over 3 weeks to qualify his position on this), shows his lack of awareness between an action that is clever and one that is regarded as wise.

Cleverness may award a person or, in this case, a football team, short-term desirable results. But wisdom recognizes the full spectrum of potential consequences over time. In his exuberance to win, Pete Carroll gave his players and fans another thrill to boost their feelings of superiority over a defeated, inferior opponent. But unfortunately in this case, he has given a precious gift to his bitter rival – the missing “white hot desire” to take them down hard in the future.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Understand and live your life with respect to the Law of Compensation which reads: For every action there is a greater or equal reaction. Think, say and do only things that will bring fruit to your life in the future. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for what you don’t want over time. The Universe makes this automatic no matter who you are or what you do. That’s just the way life works in our world and not to think so would be naïve.

People can provide valuable feedback about yourself if you’re willing to put aside your ego and observe closely.

For example, one evening I was over my girlfriend Nora’s house and noticed that there was an empty frozen food container of Trader Joe’s Chicken Gorgonzola in the trash. Since I’ve purchased this same item before I knew that each container of chicken gorgonzola was designed to serve two people.

Without much forethought, I said to Nora, “That chicken gorgonzola was meant to feed two people.”

She replied in a hurt, defensive tone, “I didn’t eat it all. I saved the other piece of chicken in the refrigerator for you.”

I paused after Nora’s remark and then said that I was just passing along information that I wasn’t sure she was aware of. I didn’t apologize for my remarks or support her position. I only stated my intention. This strategy didn’t win me any points with her and the discussion was quickly ended.

Later that night I got to thinking that maybe what Nora was communicating to me was that I have been too critical of her. Her reaction must have been based on a long history of unsolicited advice that I’ve given her over the course of our relationship.

With this new awareness, I decided to make the following adjustments in my approach to her in order to remove the expectation of criticism and improve our relationship:

1. Pause a moment to assess the situation accurately.

2. Give little or no unsolicited advice.

3. Begin with light humor & keep the conversation on the light side.

4. Preface any remarks by saying that I am only passing along third party information and not advice. I could even begin by saying, “For what it’s worth…”

5. Let small or insignificant things pass without any comments.

6. Apologize immediately for any hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

7. Show her more support, kindness, and gratitude on a regular basis.

By preparing advance with these steps, I’ll be better equipped to make this a new behavior for improving my relationship with Nora and anyone else through higher awareness, better communication, and deeper understanding.

THE BOTTOM LINE

People are like mirrors. They will reflect back to you the kind of communication you’re sending out towards them. All it takes is the humility and awareness to recognize the hidden messages that they want you to receive. And in my case, one of the most common messages is that unsolicited advice in the form of “passing along information” means “criticism” to many who are close to me.

Last week, a woman wrote to me about her heartbreaking romantic breakup. When stating why the man left the relationship, she said that it had something to do with her having a bad temper, a bad attitude, and complaining too much.

My immediate reply to her was that she suffered from an overabundance of disguised negativity. What she didn’t realize is that negativity is more than just about talking in a negative manner. Negativity may take the form of other emotions such as sadness, anger, sarcasm, criticism, fear, disappointment, judgment, worry, doubt, regret, hurt, treating other people poorly, making other people wrong, frequent emotional upsets, and excessive confrontation.

Negativity is a lot like having weeds in your backyard garden. Both are realities of life that cannot be ignored. You can’t just be positive about everything and pretend that negativity does not exist. That’s like looking into a neglected garden and chanting in denial, “There are no weeds. There are no weeds.”

Negativity has its purpose. It can bring contrast to your life. It is like the minor key in music. It brings emotion to the surface. And it is also a call to action – for you to move out of a stuck negative state and into a more empowering one.

Think of negativity as something that must be conquered or else it will conquer you. You simply learn to experience the value of negativity, but then you move forward into a more resourceful state of mind.

In order to handle negativity more effectively, here are some helpful guidelines to follow:

1. Recognize when you’re in one: It’s like getting caught swimming in a riptide. Recognize that you’re in a riptide and then swim to the side. Most people don’t recognize the situation whether it’s a riptide or negativity. Without recognition, a person simply continues doing what they are doing to their own detriment.

2. Make a radical change in your body: This means to change such things as your facial expression from a frown to a smile, breathe deep instead of shallow, stand tall instead of slumped, or look up and not down.

3. Do something else: Change your focus by staying busy, occupying your mind, changing your environment, putting on some music, or hopping into the car and going to your favorite coffeehouse for a treat.

4. Change the meaning of your experience: Ask yourself this simple question, “What could be the empowering benefit or lesson from this experience?” Think hard on this until you come up with an answer or two that is real for you.

5. Put a new label on the experience: If you’ve labeled this experience as say “catastrophic” for example, change the key word or phrase to “a learning experience.”

Remember that being characterized as a “negative person” will naturally repel people and the opportunities they would bring to you. When negativity inevitably comes into your life, be sure to convert its energy into something of value so that you can continue being a source of wisdom, love, and joy which naturally attracts the good.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Learning to recognize and handle negativity is one of the great disciplines of life. Be sure to raise your awareness around this critical topic so that you can stop it from destroying your life. Remembering that negativity often comes disguised in other emotions is a big step towards getting your life back on track and moving in the direction of the desires that are deep within your heart.

Last night I attended a business meeting with an organization that I belong to named CEO Space. This is a networking group comprised for entrepreneurs from around the world who get together several times a year to share business ideas.

One of my first priorities in this particular setting is to make a strong first impression. I try to accomplish this by looking my best and engaging in purposeful, entertaining conversations. In addition, one of the clever things that I like to do is to make sure that I introduce myself first to others. I’ve found that this one simple idea provides the following key benefits for business success:

1. Makes you focus on the other person

2. Helps you remember the other person’s name

3. Demonstrates a classy gesture on your behalf

4. Gets you into a healthy proactive mindset automatically

For some people, introducing yourself at a networking event may be a big challenge. But with the proper awareness and preparation, it’s really simple and easy to do. There’s no sophisticated strategy or masterful skill involved when it comes to introducing yourself. All I do is put a smile on my face and in a friendly manner say, “Hi! I’m Steve Nakamoto” and then wait for their response. From there I’ll say something like, “So (state their name), what is it that you do or what kind of business are you in?” The conversation naturally flows from this point on.

When you get in the habit of introducing yourself first in a friendly, professional manner, it will make going to business networking events more effective and enjoyable for you in the future.

THE BOTTOM LINE

You can begin making great first impressions by simply developing the habit of introducing yourself first. By doing so, you’ll take immediate control of any situation that you face and boost your self-confidence as a natural by-product.

Watching women’s tennis pro, Serena Williams, embarrass herself by losing her temper at the 2009 U.S. Open in New York, reminded me of the importance of keeping your cool under pressure. Not doing so in only one occurrence, as in the case of Serena Williams, can ruin a person’s reputation despite all the apologizing in the world.

So I offer you a short course in something we commonly refer to as “anger management.” The following is designed to help you build strong relationships and preserve your positive reputation by effectively handling difficult situations involving common everyday emotional upsets.

To help you maintain a more resourceful state of mind, here are guidelines on how to lower your negative intensity and thereby gain immediate emotional control when faced with potential upsets:

1. Start from a clear position of love & respect.

If your core intention is be a more loving and respectful human being towards you and other people, this entire process of anger management will flow much easier when you begin with the right mindset.

2. If the hurtful or painful action was not intentional, then you only allow yourself to get a bit annoyed.

People sometimes do or say things that inadvertently hurt another person. Give the person a break because their actions weren’t meant to harm you. When you only let yourself to be “a bit annoyed,” you are keeping things at an appropriate low emotional level.

3. If the hurtful or painful action was not excessively, then you only allow yourself to be slightly peeved about it.

Occasionally, people will do or say things that naturally trigger pain in others. If these offenders were to realize the effects of their actions, they would cut out their unwanted behavior. Give them some slack if their painful acts are infrequent or insignificant in number. Being “slightly peeved” is another way of responding with lower emotional intensity.

4. If the hurtful or painful action was appropriate, then you only allow yourself to feel slightly below average.

Sometimes a painful action is merited because it was meant to prevent a greater or more lasting pain. In this case, the action may be warranted because in its proper context it was appropriate to perform. Again, reducing your response to that of “feeling slightly below average” helps you keep yourself in check.

*****

The key to this simple process is to understand that the only time to make a strong stand in your defense against emotional upsets is when three conditions are met. These conditions are that the hurtful action or what the other person says or does must be: (1) intentionally meant to harm or hurt you, (2) frequent in their occurrences, and (3) inappropriate in the context in which it is made.

If you don’t have all three of these conditions met, then lower the intensity with the right words and emotional responses and then just “let it go.” Letting go or releasing the negative energy is the icing on the cake when it comes to moving forward after a small everyday upset inevitably comes your way. Practicing this type of daily discipline will also build strong character and raise your self-esteem as a natural by-product.

Don’t let small upsets turn into big problems in your personal and professional relationships. Learn how to lower your negative emotional responses so that you can understand your situation more clearly. Don’t waste excessive energy on insignificant annoyances which inevitably occur around other people. Develop the mental discipline to handle your upsets with emotional maturity which is a major key to building strong relationships that last.

Here’s an all-too-common situation: A guy says to his girlfriend, “You look nice today.” However, to his disappointment she replies, “I don’t look so good, don’t you think I look a little bit fat and ugly?”

On the surface, you might think this woman’s response is a sign of modesty, but most experts would agree that it is more likely a sign of destructive low self-esteem.

Self-esteem reflects whether a person loves, accepts, and believes in who they are. The simplest and most powerful way to raise a person’s self-esteem is to improve that person’s way of thinking. This isn’t necessarily easy, but improved self-esteem can result by adopting these eight new thinking patterns:

1. Rediscover and reaffirm your personal strengths: Sometimes you have to take a new inventory on what you like about your looks, smile, body, sexiness, health, personality, and character strengths. For areas you don’t feel real positive about, try to be more accepting of those unique features (Example: having a nose of character).

2. Figure out the hidden strengths in your so-called weaknesses: There is always a positive in every negative if you look hard enough. For instance, you may think of yourself as stubborn, but the flip side is that you’re also persistent and dependable.

3. Make a long list of your personal breakthroughs: Think of times when you did something that you thought that never could do but managed to pull off successfully. These breakthroughs can generate an authentic source of never-ending pride in you. (Example: speaking up and presenting good points at a business meeting)

4. Avoid negative comparisons: Human beings can amplify or reduce their value by contrasting themselves either positively or negatively with others. But the most common trait of a person who has developed low self-esteem is to diminish themselves by contrasting how they don’t measure up to others.

5. Stop the critic inside of you: Some people have a nasty habit of putting themselves down often. They say damaging things to themselves like, “I’m always late. Why am I such a flake?” or “There I go again, stupid!” Get in the new habit of catching yourself saying critical things about yourself and learn to silence your inner critic.

6. Quit blaming yourself for mistakes in the past: Some things are only minimally in your control, but people who possess low self-esteem take the full blame for the resulting negative outcomes. Instead, learn to honor your efforts and give proper credit for things that you have done well or done right.

7. Have more compassion for yourself: Realize the adversity of life can make you a stronger and more understanding person. The pain that you suffered in the past can help you relate to a wider array of people. Your suffering makes you more human if you choose to channel it in that more enlightened manner.

8. Be your own cheerleader: The energy and enthusiasm of a cheerleader is necessary in order to make the radical emotional changes required to raise your self-esteem. Use this analogy to illustrate how you talk to yourself, handle adversity, and summon up the courage to pursue your interests and dreams. Being your own cheerleader isn’t silly, it’s smart and contagious.

THE BOTTOM LINE

High self-esteem is attractive while low self-esteem is not. If you want to attract, get, keep, and enjoy the love of your dreams, then it’s important to maintain a high level of self-esteem. It will keep prospective men interested, but more importantly high self-esteem will add to your own well-being.

In February 2009 I attended the “Mega-Book Marketing Seminar” hosted by Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of The Chicken Soup for the Soul series. Included in the deluxe seminar package that I purchased was an exclusive networking luncheon with best-selling authors, literary agents, and book editors.

One of the people sitting next to me at the luncheon was a woman from San Francisco who wrote a book about little-known successful people from the Silicon Valley. Evidently, she has been a life-long writer and considers herself an expert in this field.

My table at lunch seated eight people and gave each of us a chance to discuss our individual book projects. When it was my time to share, I started by discussing what I had already accomplished as a relationship author. In mentioning my first dating book, Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man, the woman from San Francisco said, “I don’t like that book title. It should say something about “sex” in it. I don’t see where the word “fish” has anything to do with love or dating.”

My reply to her was that the book has already been out for over 9 years, translated in 9 foreign languages, and has earned a Writer’s Digest Book Award. In my opinion, it was far too late to be thinking about changing that book title. But evidently, my words didn’t seem to sway the opinion of the writer from San Francisco.

When the luncheon was over and everyone had a chance to share, we all gathered ourselves to return back to the main ballroom to resume the seminar. As a common courtesy, I told the woman from San Francisco that I enjoyed meeting her and sharing ideas. Her reply to me went something like this: “You sound like a man who doesn’t know what he wants. You’ll never succeed in this business like that. You have to take action on your opportunities and not talk so much about it.”

Needless to say, I was quite stunned by this woman’s off-the-wall comments. But since I write an ezine about “Strategic Small Talk Tips,” I immediately began searching my mind for a proper response. Under the circumstances, I chose to say to her, “That’s interesting” which is what I do whenever I comment on ridiculous statements. But afterwards, I thought that there must be a more elegant reply when it comes specifically to handling unwanted, unsolicited advice.

After a few days of pondering this situation, I believe that the most empowering response to unwanted, unsolicited advice like I encountered at that luncheon would be to begin by saying either “You know what? That’s a good point,” “You’re probably right,” or “That’s understood.”

I would follow this remark by graciously saying, “Thank you for your honesty. I can always benefit from some unbiased feedback.”

And finally, I could take control of the conversation by adding, “And by the way, is there anyway I can help you out with feedback in return?” That question would probably catch the other person off-guard and put a quick end to the conversation.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Recognizing situations and being prepared to respond are the secrets to implementing effective communication tools. Receiving unsolicited advice can easily throw you off-balance emotionally and cause you to respond in an unresourceful manner. Effective communication is developed by mastering both the emotions and the skills in every conversation that you engage in so you can respond in the best way possible.

In early 2009, Caroline Kennedy’s campaign to claim Hillary Clinton’s vacated Senate seat took a big step backwards after a series of media appearances. In one such interview with the New York Times, the daughter of former President John F. Kennedy, uttered the phrase “you know” 130 times. This damaging performance was left in the transcript when the interview appeared in print.

When asked why she would be a good Senator, Miss Kennedy responded in the following way:

“So I think in many ways, you know, we want to have all kinds of different voices, you know, representing us, and I think what I bring to it is, you know, my experience as a mother, as a woman, as a lawyer, you know, I’ve been an education activist for the last six years here, and, you know, I’ve written seven books — two on the Constitution, two on American politics. So obviously, you know, we have different strengths and weakness.”

Caroline Kennedy, like many of us, has developed a conversational bad habit or verbal tic that she has most likely been completely unaware of. Many young people today have a similar habit when they say the word “like” after every other word.

The main thing is to become aware of your own verbal tics by either recording your conversations or having someone give you honest feedback. For example, I was surprised to find out that I possess two annoying verbal tics. The first one that I do too often is say “anyways” whenever I am transitioning to another subject. The other bad habit is to say “in other words” when I am finishing an opinion, evaluation, or statement.

I discovered my verbal tics by watching a video of a speech that I gave before the prestigious Inside Edge networking group in Irvine, California. My guess is that the pressure to perform well in front of that audience caused me to speak in this way without my conscious awareness. Like listeners to Caroline Kennedy, I’m sure that some people who were listening to that speech had to cringe a bit whenever I fired off one of my numerous unintentional verbal tics.

Anyways….

THE BOTTOM LINE

Become aware and put an end to your bad habit of saying useless annoying pet phrases such as “you know,” “like,” “in other words,” and “anyways.” In order to prevent people from being distracted from your message, learn to pause and find a variety of other ways of stating what you mean or intend to say.