Dating-Love-Relationships.com ~ Steve Nakamoto's Blog

I just got back from a 7-day business networking event in Las Vegas. One of the features of this event was a chance to eat meals and share ideas in round tables of 10 with other participants. With over 400 hundred people crammed into one dining room, you can imagine how high the noise level got at times. This made it very challenging for many people to communicate effectively in this noisy environment.

Luckily for me, I knew of one strategy that made me stand out in a favorable way at the tables where I dined. The strategy I employed was to be more animated than usual with exaggerated facial expressions, body movements, eye contact, and hand gestures.

I became aware of this strategy many years ago when I served as a trainer for motivational expert Tony Robbins. I was attending a “thank you” dinner following one of his 7-day Life Mastery Trainings at the Planet Hollywood Restaurant in Cancun, Mexico. This place had a loud party atmosphere with rock music going on all the time. But this didn’t detour Tony from giving an effective speech to 60 of us trainers who were having dinner with him. He used his hands as a megaphone and spoke in simple terms with exaggerated expressions, movements, and gestures. While those of us in his audience may have not have heard every word spoken, we all got the essence of Tony’s message loud and clear.

The task of talking in a noisy environment is similar to changing your clothes in a small car. If you can change your clothes in the tiny cramped space of your car, then you can change your clothes almost anywhere. The same holds true when it comes to talking in a noisy environment. If you can do this effectively, then you can communicate well under other less challenging environments as well.

THE BOTTOM LINE

When you are faced with trying to speak in a noisy environment, be sure to use more body language in the form of animated facial expressions, body movements, eye contact, and hand gestures. This simple awareness on your part will make it much easier for you to get your message across to your hearing-challenged audiences.

Last weekend I attended my neighbor’s backyard BBQ with about a dozen other people. For about an hour, we enjoyed drinks and snacks while my neighbor, Rick, cooked chicken and burgers on his outdoor grill. When Rick was finished cooking, we all sat down to dinner and had some interesting rounds of conversations.

We were all about the same age, give or take 5 years, with an even number of men and women. The conversation went from rock music of the 1960s, favorite television shows and movies, restaurants we like to go to, and, even how we voted in the last Presidential election.

Normally, a conversation with a close friend on these topics would go along smoothly without much disagreement. But in front of 10-12 people who don’t know each other very well, conversations can easily veer off course into more heated, alcohol-induced debates.

One woman in particular made it her priority to question me on my likes and dislikes in the subject matter that we covered. First, it was “How could you like the Beatles so much?” and then it was “Why would you waste your time watching Seinfeld?” After a while, I started getting beyond the emotional state of “annoyed” and into that embarrassing level of intensity called “angry.”

Fortunately, I had the need to excuse myself from the conversation and go to the bathroom after so many beers. That trip to the bathroom offered me a nice chance to cool down my anger and regain my perspective. After all, we were all there to have fun and enjoy each other’s company.

When I returned to the conversation outside at the BBQ, I noticed that everyone was laughing and having a great time in my absence. It was a good thing that I didn’t let my anger spill over into condescending remarks and verbal attacks on the woman who questioned my tastes. I realized that my importance in the conversation and my need to be right were of little value to the overall success of the social get-together.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Know ahead of time that it is wise to excuse yourself from social situations that become too annoying for you. The time you spend away from uncomfortable conversations lets you refocus your energy and avoid any negative reactions on your part. For example, you can easily plan your escape from a bad conversation by excusing yourself to go to the restroom or to return an important or timely cell phone call to a close friend, family member, or key business associate. In most cases, the other people won’t even notice your absence and you can return to the conversation refreshed and more resilient.

Last month I attended a business networking event where I got to meet over 500 people in an 8-day period. This event was brilliantly designed to make interactions with others easy and fun to do.

One exercise that we did was to get into small groups of four and practice giving our business pitches to one another. This small group setting helped people build self-confidence in shaping and presenting their business ideas.

When it was my opportunity to present, I was especially encouraged by listeners who nodded in agreement or approval as I spoke. That simple gesture on the listener’s part did a lot to help me feel better my speaking and the ideas that I was presenting. As a result, I started nodding in agreement or approval whenever other people spoke as well.

In a previous article, I mentioned how smiling when you speak is an effective way to talk. In a similar way, nodding while you listen is a good way of becoming a better audience when you’re on the receiving end of a conversation.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Giving positive non-verbal feedback in the form of nodding while you listen can do wonders for your overall interactions with others. It reinforces a core relationship principle of making other people feel more important. Use this simple gesture in its appropriate frequency as a way of building stronger personal and professional relationships one conversation at a time.

This weekend I attended a business marketing seminar near my home in Los Angeles. This seminar featured a lineup of relatively unknown up-and-coming thought leaders and experts who were there to share ideas as well as promote their products and services.

One of the speakers was a successful business woman who had a theater background from performing and directing on Broadway. She communicated to the audience in a powerful and lively style which had, in my opinion, one glaring weakness: the overuse of foul language.

I created the list below while I was taking notes at the seminar. In about 90 minutes, this speaker used the following assortment of cuss words in which I came up with cleaner alternatives:

(Cuss Words = Clean Words)

?!@#$%as%hole?!@#$% = A-hole
?!@#$%fu%k?!@#$% = fudge or the “F” bomb
?!@#$%give a sh%t?!@#$% = give a hoot or give a darn
?!@#$%fu%k you?!@#$% = F.U.
?!@#$%fu%king?!@#$% = freaking
?!@#$%bulls%it?!@#$% = B.S.
?!@#$%damn?!@#$% = darn
?!@#$%son of a bit%h?!@#$% = S.O.B.
?!@#$%crap?!@#$% = crud
?!@#$%motherfu%ker?!@#$% = mother or MFer
?!@#$%pissed off?!@#$% = P.O.ed
?!@#$%hell yes!@#$% = heck yes
?!@#$%bit%h!@#$% = the “B” word or beeosh

The fact is that certain cuss words and phrases do create high-impact shock value in a person’s communication when used appropriately. But that value must be carefully weighed against the negative impact of poor taste and how much it offends a particular audience.

For example, as a regular listener to sports talk shows on the radio, I’m fully aware of how important it is for hosts of these shows to relate in the same language as their largely young male audiences. But at the same time, the FCC censors the use of certain words from being said on the radio to protect the general audience and younger audiences in particular.

As a smart communicator, you should strongly consider reducing or eliminating the regular use of offensive foul language in your conversations with general audiences. What you might gain in shock value from the use of profanity is most likely outweighed by the negative effects of poor taste. Be smart by saving your “bar language” for the local tavern. Use your cleaner language, for making more favorable impressions with the general public.

THE BOTTOM LINE

There is a time and place for everything and no truer words have ever been spoken when it comes to the overuse of foul language. The smarter course of action is to begin eliminating dirty words and phrases and substituting cleaner language with similar meanings in your everyday language. Like a sports talk show host, you will be able to retain the flavor of your message without the crudeness and offensiveness of distasteful foul language.

This past spring I led a group of 39 senior citizens on a 7-day sightseeing tour to our nation’s capital, Washington D.C. “The District,” as it is commonly known, is a great place to visit especially in the springtime when the cherry blossoms are in full bloom.

Our 7 day trip was packed with many interesting activities including: a scenic lunch cruise on the Potomac River, a guided tour of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, a walking tour of the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, an evening illumination tour of all Washington’s monuments and memorials, a seafood dinner with crabcakes in a trendy Georgetown restaurant, and a visit to the battlefields of Gettysburg, to name a few.

At the end of our seven days together, I handed out an evaluation form to all of the passengers where they had an opportunity to rate the various aspects of the tour. Some of those aspects included: airline service, quality of the hotels, choice of restaurants, variety of attractions, and overall design of the tour, as well as the performances of the tour director and motorcoach driver.

On this particular trip, I received 38 very good-to-excellent reports on my performance as the tour director. Unfortunately, one dissatisfied tour client wrote on their evaluation form, “Steve Nakamoto likes to talk about himself too much. There were just too many I’s and me’s whenever he spoke to us.”

At first I was ticked off by this person’s evaluation and thought it was unfair to me considering all the things that I do for passengers on my tour. But this passenger did me a valuable service by reminding me of the delicate balance between sharing relevant personal experiences and not talking in terms of the other person’s interests.

The truth about human nature is that people will respond favorably to the words “you,” “we,” and “us.” On the other hand, many folks will soon tire of a speaker who refers to themselves by saying “I” and “me” too often.

In the future, I will remember to speak more in terms of the other person and keep my own personal references to the minimum. In addition, I will apologize in advance for sounding like I’m talking about myself too much. And if I do find myself telling a personal story I’ll also mention that I’m only doing so only for the benefit of the listener and not to draw unnecessary attention to myself.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Learn to talk in terms of the other person rather than in terms of yourself. You can do this quickly and easily by using the words “you”, “we”, and “us” in far greater abundance than the words “I” and “me.” By doing so, you’ll prevent your listeners from getting the negative impression that your communication is solely for your own entertainment.

Here’s an interview that I did on April 18th with Lucia “The Cougar Expert” on LA Talk Radio. This is how she promoted the interview:

How can you tell when a man is in love with you? What is the difference between chemistry and infatuation? How can you become an irresistible woman? Find out in this upbeat interview with Steve Nakamoto, former personal development trainer for Tony Robbins and author of, “Dating Rocks: The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love”.

Click here to listen to the interview now!

Here’s a list of important talking points that I created in preparation for a sales training meeting that I’m conducting next week.

While traditional businesses may be slow to embrace the principles of ”The Law of Attraction,” enlightened peak performance individuals are more than eager to gain greater understanding on how the world works – especially the challenging world of selling.

• Thoughts are things. They are the smallest vibration of matter.

• The vibration that you send out to the world is made up with the sum of your thoughts, images, emotions, and actions.

• Thoughts and images are amplified by your emotions. (by a factor of 1000+)

• Your emotions create the most powerful factor in your vibration.

• What you think and how you feel about something will either attract what you want or what you don’t want – whichever is strongest.

• You attract your greatest desires or your most real fears.

• Real fears are the ones that consistently show up. Real fears are automatic.

• If left unchecked and undisciplined, fear will win out over desire.

• The secret to getting what you want is to fall in love with whatever you desire.

• Your subconscious mind will automatically do what it loves to do.

• Love, desire, courage, and a sense of purpose combine to overrule fear.

• The Universe/Divine sends back to you what you desire in the form of an opportunity. It does not give you the things you want directly.

• The opportunity is disguised as failure, misfortune, temporary defeat, or something that you don’t want. That is why so many people fail to recognize opportunity when it is presented.

• Opportunities originate from the Divine but come through other people. The Divine is the ultimate source, but it is passed on to you through other human beings.

• The opportunity requires you to step up, be uncomfortable, and take action.

• When you attract an opportunity it will always require that you make a decision to give up something of a lower nature to embrace something of a higher nature (ie: what you have attracted will cost you either time, energy, money, control, comfort).

• Fear in the form of indecision, doubt or worry stop you from taking action.

• You must step through the experience by taking action in order to move closer to your desire.

• From this higher place of experience, you’ll be presented with new opportunities or challenges that require you to step up and take more action in order to move you closer to what you desire.

• Like golf, success is a process of moving closer to your objective until you are in range to strike with precision.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Learn, study, practice, and implement the lessons for “The Law of Attraction” in your business so that you can be in the natural flow of abundance, success, and peace of mind.

There is a critical difference between a clever action and one that is deemed wise. That difference becomes clearly evident when you study consequences, particularly negative ones, over time.

In a classic case of clever action, Pete Carroll, head coach of the powerhouse USC Trojans football team, humiliated his cross-town rival UCLA Bruins with a late-minute surprise pass play, that increase his team’s already insurmountable lead from 14 to 21 points. When asked about his controversial decision, Coach Carroll answered, “Jeremy (assistant coach Jeremy Bates) had the thought. I said, ‘That’s a heck of a call, man.’”

What rubbed salt into the wounded psyche of UCLA was the celebration from the USC players and coaches after the touchdown was scored. One USC player even stuck out his tongue at the UCLA sidelines in an obvious display of taunting. All of this unsportsmanlike conduct was captured on camera for the public to see and for opponents of USC to replay over and over again.

The clever actions of the USC coaches allowed their team to enjoy a short-term jolt of pleasure. And for the weeks following that decision, not a single apology was made in the media by a USC player, coach, or university administrator.

As a result, the consequences of the football team’s actions will automatically come back to haunt them in the future. That’s because a Natural Law of the Universe known as “The Law of Compensation” clearly and succinctly states: For every action, there is a greater or equal reaction.

So in regards to Coach Carroll’s clever decision to punish their already defeated opponent by running up the score, what is the automatic “greater or equal reaction?” The answer is that they inadvertently and unwisely instilled a burning desire for revenge in their cross town rivals which will last for many years to come.

If I was to engage in a conversation with Coach Carroll I’d be sure to ask him, “Have you ever read the book, Think And Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill?” And naturally, I’d expect him to say that he has.

But then I’d follow up his remark by asking, “Do you remember learning about the starting point of all achievement?”

He’d probably get annoyed and ask me what I was getting at.

And here’s what I’d like the opportunity to share with him:

According to Dr. Napoleon Hill, the starting point of all success is desire. And in your last-minute cleverness, you unknowingly gave the UCLA Bruins the missing element to their future success – a burning desire. Up until this point, the Bruins football philosophy had been about turning around their program, becoming competitive, and getting better. But the intensity was never turned up to point of “white hot” desire, as Dr. Hill describes, that can come from experiencing humiliation and seeking revenge.

The memory of that humiliating play and the celebration afterwards will automatically fuel the Bruins through boring off-season conditioning, grueling fall practices, and inevitable challenges that need to be overcome during the season. No longer will it be about becoming competitive or getting better. The heat has been officially turned up several notches to something akin to “Beat the wholly crap out of every single one of those arrogant, front-running USC bastards!”

There is no denying that Coach Pete Carroll of the USC Trojans possesses a clever football mind. He won lots of football games, recruited high-quality players, and turned his school’s program into one of the top in the nation. But this particular action against the UCLA Bruins (and he’s had over 3 weeks to qualify his position on this), shows his lack of awareness between an action that is clever and one that is regarded as wise.

Cleverness may award a person or, in this case, a football team, short-term desirable results. But wisdom recognizes the full spectrum of potential consequences over time. In his exuberance to win, Pete Carroll gave his players and fans another thrill to boost their feelings of superiority over a defeated, inferior opponent. But unfortunately in this case, he has given a precious gift to his bitter rival – the missing “white hot desire” to take them down hard in the future.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Understand and live your life with respect to the Law of Compensation which reads: For every action there is a greater or equal reaction. Think, say and do only things that will bring fruit to your life in the future. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for what you don’t want over time. The Universe makes this automatic no matter who you are or what you do. That’s just the way life works in our world and not to think so would be naïve.

People can provide valuable feedback about yourself if you’re willing to put aside your ego and observe closely.

For example, one evening I was over my girlfriend Nora’s house and noticed that there was an empty frozen food container of Trader Joe’s Chicken Gorgonzola in the trash. Since I’ve purchased this same item before I knew that each container of chicken gorgonzola was designed to serve two people.

Without much forethought, I said to Nora, “That chicken gorgonzola was meant to feed two people.”

She replied in a hurt, defensive tone, “I didn’t eat it all. I saved the other piece of chicken in the refrigerator for you.”

I paused after Nora’s remark and then said that I was just passing along information that I wasn’t sure she was aware of. I didn’t apologize for my remarks or support her position. I only stated my intention. This strategy didn’t win me any points with her and the discussion was quickly ended.

Later that night I got to thinking that maybe what Nora was communicating to me was that I have been too critical of her. Her reaction must have been based on a long history of unsolicited advice that I’ve given her over the course of our relationship.

With this new awareness, I decided to make the following adjustments in my approach to her in order to remove the expectation of criticism and improve our relationship:

1. Pause a moment to assess the situation accurately.

2. Give little or no unsolicited advice.

3. Begin with light humor & keep the conversation on the light side.

4. Preface any remarks by saying that I am only passing along third party information and not advice. I could even begin by saying, “For what it’s worth…”

5. Let small or insignificant things pass without any comments.

6. Apologize immediately for any hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

7. Show her more support, kindness, and gratitude on a regular basis.

By preparing advance with these steps, I’ll be better equipped to make this a new behavior for improving my relationship with Nora and anyone else through higher awareness, better communication, and deeper understanding.

THE BOTTOM LINE

People are like mirrors. They will reflect back to you the kind of communication you’re sending out towards them. All it takes is the humility and awareness to recognize the hidden messages that they want you to receive. And in my case, one of the most common messages is that unsolicited advice in the form of “passing along information” means “criticism” to many who are close to me.

Last week, a woman wrote to me about her heartbreaking romantic breakup. When stating why the man left the relationship, she said that it had something to do with her having a bad temper, a bad attitude, and complaining too much.

My immediate reply to her was that she suffered from an overabundance of disguised negativity. What she didn’t realize is that negativity is more than just about talking in a negative manner. Negativity may take the form of other emotions such as sadness, anger, sarcasm, criticism, fear, disappointment, judgment, worry, doubt, regret, hurt, treating other people poorly, making other people wrong, frequent emotional upsets, and excessive confrontation.

Negativity is a lot like having weeds in your backyard garden. Both are realities of life that cannot be ignored. You can’t just be positive about everything and pretend that negativity does not exist. That’s like looking into a neglected garden and chanting in denial, “There are no weeds. There are no weeds.”

Negativity has its purpose. It can bring contrast to your life. It is like the minor key in music. It brings emotion to the surface. And it is also a call to action – for you to move out of a stuck negative state and into a more empowering one.

Think of negativity as something that must be conquered or else it will conquer you. You simply learn to experience the value of negativity, but then you move forward into a more resourceful state of mind.

In order to handle negativity more effectively, here are some helpful guidelines to follow:

1. Recognize when you’re in one: It’s like getting caught swimming in a riptide. Recognize that you’re in a riptide and then swim to the side. Most people don’t recognize the situation whether it’s a riptide or negativity. Without recognition, a person simply continues doing what they are doing to their own detriment.

2. Make a radical change in your body: This means to change such things as your facial expression from a frown to a smile, breathe deep instead of shallow, stand tall instead of slumped, or look up and not down.

3. Do something else: Change your focus by staying busy, occupying your mind, changing your environment, putting on some music, or hopping into the car and going to your favorite coffeehouse for a treat.

4. Change the meaning of your experience: Ask yourself this simple question, “What could be the empowering benefit or lesson from this experience?” Think hard on this until you come up with an answer or two that is real for you.

5. Put a new label on the experience: If you’ve labeled this experience as say “catastrophic” for example, change the key word or phrase to “a learning experience.”

Remember that being characterized as a “negative person” will naturally repel people and the opportunities they would bring to you. When negativity inevitably comes into your life, be sure to convert its energy into something of value so that you can continue being a source of wisdom, love, and joy which naturally attracts the good.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Learning to recognize and handle negativity is one of the great disciplines of life. Be sure to raise your awareness around this critical topic so that you can stop it from destroying your life. Remembering that negativity often comes disguised in other emotions is a big step towards getting your life back on track and moving in the direction of the desires that are deep within your heart.