Dating-Love-Relationships.com ~ Steve Nakamoto's Blog

People can provide valuable feedback about yourself if you’re willing to put aside your ego and observe closely.

For example, one evening I was over my girlfriend Nora’s house and noticed that there was an empty frozen food container of Trader Joe’s Chicken Gorgonzola in the trash. Since I’ve purchased this same item before I knew that each container of chicken gorgonzola was designed to serve two people.

Without much forethought, I said to Nora, “That chicken gorgonzola was meant to feed two people.”

She replied in a hurt, defensive tone, “I didn’t eat it all. I saved the other piece of chicken in the refrigerator for you.”

I paused after Nora’s remark and then said that I was just passing along information that I wasn’t sure she was aware of. I didn’t apologize for my remarks or support her position. I only stated my intention. This strategy didn’t win me any points with her and the discussion was quickly ended.

Later that night I got to thinking that maybe what Nora was communicating to me was that I have been too critical of her. Her reaction must have been based on a long history of unsolicited advice that I’ve given her over the course of our relationship.

With this new awareness, I decided to make the following adjustments in my approach to her in order to remove the expectation of criticism and improve our relationship:

1. Pause a moment to assess the situation accurately.

2. Give little or no unsolicited advice.

3. Begin with light humor & keep the conversation on the light side.

4. Preface any remarks by saying that I am only passing along third party information and not advice. I could even begin by saying, “For what it’s worth…”

5. Let small or insignificant things pass without any comments.

6. Apologize immediately for any hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

7. Show her more support, kindness, and gratitude on a regular basis.

By preparing advance with these steps, I’ll be better equipped to make this a new behavior for improving my relationship with Nora and anyone else through higher awareness, better communication, and deeper understanding.

THE BOTTOM LINE

People are like mirrors. They will reflect back to you the kind of communication you’re sending out towards them. All it takes is the humility and awareness to recognize the hidden messages that they want you to receive. And in my case, one of the most common messages is that unsolicited advice in the form of “passing along information” means “criticism” to many who are close to me.