Dating-Love-Relationships.com ~ Steve Nakamoto's Blog

Last night I attended a business meeting with an organization that I belong to named CEO Space. This is a networking group comprised for entrepreneurs from around the world who get together several times a year to share business ideas.

One of my first priorities in this particular setting is to make a strong first impression. I try to accomplish this by looking my best and engaging in purposeful, entertaining conversations. In addition, one of the clever things that I like to do is to make sure that I introduce myself first to others. I’ve found that this one simple idea provides the following key benefits for business success:

1. Makes you focus on the other person

2. Helps you remember the other person’s name

3. Demonstrates a classy gesture on your behalf

4. Gets you into a healthy proactive mindset automatically

For some people, introducing yourself at a networking event may be a big challenge. But with the proper awareness and preparation, it’s really simple and easy to do. There’s no sophisticated strategy or masterful skill involved when it comes to introducing yourself. All I do is put a smile on my face and in a friendly manner say, “Hi! I’m Steve Nakamoto” and then wait for their response. From there I’ll say something like, “So (state their name), what is it that you do or what kind of business are you in?” The conversation naturally flows from this point on.

When you get in the habit of introducing yourself first in a friendly, professional manner, it will make going to business networking events more effective and enjoyable for you in the future.

THE BOTTOM LINE

You can begin making great first impressions by simply developing the habit of introducing yourself first. By doing so, you’ll take immediate control of any situation that you face and boost your self-confidence as a natural by-product.

Watching women’s tennis pro, Serena Williams, embarrass herself by losing her temper at the 2009 U.S. Open in New York, reminded me of the importance of keeping your cool under pressure. Not doing so in only one occurrence, as in the case of Serena Williams, can ruin a person’s reputation despite all the apologizing in the world.

So I offer you a short course in something we commonly refer to as “anger management.” The following is designed to help you build strong relationships and preserve your positive reputation by effectively handling difficult situations involving common everyday emotional upsets.

To help you maintain a more resourceful state of mind, here are guidelines on how to lower your negative intensity and thereby gain immediate emotional control when faced with potential upsets:

1. Start from a clear position of love & respect.

If your core intention is be a more loving and respectful human being towards you and other people, this entire process of anger management will flow much easier when you begin with the right mindset.

2. If the hurtful or painful action was not intentional, then you only allow yourself to get a bit annoyed.

People sometimes do or say things that inadvertently hurt another person. Give the person a break because their actions weren’t meant to harm you. When you only let yourself to be “a bit annoyed,” you are keeping things at an appropriate low emotional level.

3. If the hurtful or painful action was not excessively, then you only allow yourself to be slightly peeved about it.

Occasionally, people will do or say things that naturally trigger pain in others. If these offenders were to realize the effects of their actions, they would cut out their unwanted behavior. Give them some slack if their painful acts are infrequent or insignificant in number. Being “slightly peeved” is another way of responding with lower emotional intensity.

4. If the hurtful or painful action was appropriate, then you only allow yourself to feel slightly below average.

Sometimes a painful action is merited because it was meant to prevent a greater or more lasting pain. In this case, the action may be warranted because in its proper context it was appropriate to perform. Again, reducing your response to that of “feeling slightly below average” helps you keep yourself in check.

*****

The key to this simple process is to understand that the only time to make a strong stand in your defense against emotional upsets is when three conditions are met. These conditions are that the hurtful action or what the other person says or does must be: (1) intentionally meant to harm or hurt you, (2) frequent in their occurrences, and (3) inappropriate in the context in which it is made.

If you don’t have all three of these conditions met, then lower the intensity with the right words and emotional responses and then just “let it go.” Letting go or releasing the negative energy is the icing on the cake when it comes to moving forward after a small everyday upset inevitably comes your way. Practicing this type of daily discipline will also build strong character and raise your self-esteem as a natural by-product.

Don’t let small upsets turn into big problems in your personal and professional relationships. Learn how to lower your negative emotional responses so that you can understand your situation more clearly. Don’t waste excessive energy on insignificant annoyances which inevitably occur around other people. Develop the mental discipline to handle your upsets with emotional maturity which is a major key to building strong relationships that last.

In February 2009 I attended the “Mega-Book Marketing Seminar” hosted by Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of The Chicken Soup for the Soul series. Included in the deluxe seminar package that I purchased was an exclusive networking luncheon with best-selling authors, literary agents, and book editors.

One of the people sitting next to me at the luncheon was a woman from San Francisco who wrote a book about little-known successful people from the Silicon Valley. Evidently, she has been a life-long writer and considers herself an expert in this field.

My table at lunch seated eight people and gave each of us a chance to discuss our individual book projects. When it was my time to share, I started by discussing what I had already accomplished as a relationship author. In mentioning my first dating book, Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man, the woman from San Francisco said, “I don’t like that book title. It should say something about “sex” in it. I don’t see where the word “fish” has anything to do with love or dating.”

My reply to her was that the book has already been out for over 9 years, translated in 9 foreign languages, and has earned a Writer’s Digest Book Award. In my opinion, it was far too late to be thinking about changing that book title. But evidently, my words didn’t seem to sway the opinion of the writer from San Francisco.

When the luncheon was over and everyone had a chance to share, we all gathered ourselves to return back to the main ballroom to resume the seminar. As a common courtesy, I told the woman from San Francisco that I enjoyed meeting her and sharing ideas. Her reply to me went something like this: “You sound like a man who doesn’t know what he wants. You’ll never succeed in this business like that. You have to take action on your opportunities and not talk so much about it.”

Needless to say, I was quite stunned by this woman’s off-the-wall comments. But since I write an ezine about “Strategic Small Talk Tips,” I immediately began searching my mind for a proper response. Under the circumstances, I chose to say to her, “That’s interesting” which is what I do whenever I comment on ridiculous statements. But afterwards, I thought that there must be a more elegant reply when it comes specifically to handling unwanted, unsolicited advice.

After a few days of pondering this situation, I believe that the most empowering response to unwanted, unsolicited advice like I encountered at that luncheon would be to begin by saying either “You know what? That’s a good point,” “You’re probably right,” or “That’s understood.”

I would follow this remark by graciously saying, “Thank you for your honesty. I can always benefit from some unbiased feedback.”

And finally, I could take control of the conversation by adding, “And by the way, is there anyway I can help you out with feedback in return?” That question would probably catch the other person off-guard and put a quick end to the conversation.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Recognizing situations and being prepared to respond are the secrets to implementing effective communication tools. Receiving unsolicited advice can easily throw you off-balance emotionally and cause you to respond in an unresourceful manner. Effective communication is developed by mastering both the emotions and the skills in every conversation that you engage in so you can respond in the best way possible.

In early 2009, Caroline Kennedy’s campaign to claim Hillary Clinton’s vacated Senate seat took a big step backwards after a series of media appearances. In one such interview with the New York Times, the daughter of former President John F. Kennedy, uttered the phrase “you know” 130 times. This damaging performance was left in the transcript when the interview appeared in print.

When asked why she would be a good Senator, Miss Kennedy responded in the following way:

“So I think in many ways, you know, we want to have all kinds of different voices, you know, representing us, and I think what I bring to it is, you know, my experience as a mother, as a woman, as a lawyer, you know, I’ve been an education activist for the last six years here, and, you know, I’ve written seven books — two on the Constitution, two on American politics. So obviously, you know, we have different strengths and weakness.”

Caroline Kennedy, like many of us, has developed a conversational bad habit or verbal tic that she has most likely been completely unaware of. Many young people today have a similar habit when they say the word “like” after every other word.

The main thing is to become aware of your own verbal tics by either recording your conversations or having someone give you honest feedback. For example, I was surprised to find out that I possess two annoying verbal tics. The first one that I do too often is say “anyways” whenever I am transitioning to another subject. The other bad habit is to say “in other words” when I am finishing an opinion, evaluation, or statement.

I discovered my verbal tics by watching a video of a speech that I gave before the prestigious Inside Edge networking group in Irvine, California. My guess is that the pressure to perform well in front of that audience caused me to speak in this way without my conscious awareness. Like listeners to Caroline Kennedy, I’m sure that some people who were listening to that speech had to cringe a bit whenever I fired off one of my numerous unintentional verbal tics.

Anyways….

THE BOTTOM LINE

Become aware and put an end to your bad habit of saying useless annoying pet phrases such as “you know,” “like,” “in other words,” and “anyways.” In order to prevent people from being distracted from your message, learn to pause and find a variety of other ways of stating what you mean or intend to say.

My neighbor Josie is a very friendly lady who tends to be a tad long-winded. She’s become the neighborhood busybody and if you want to know anything about what’s going on at my condo complex you just ask Josie for a full rundown. Josie is a retiree who seems to have a lot of free time to walk her dog and chat with people at great length.

While I enjoy talking to Josie from time-to-time, I’m not always eager to spend a great amount of time going over the details or gossip about the local happenings. So when I’m in one of those situations where I can only talk for a short period of time, I’ll use a polite and respectful way of getting Josie to shorten her message.

Here’s what I do whenever I have to either interrupt a person like Josie who is becoming long-winded in a particular conversation or to stop someone who is sending an otherwise pleasant conversation into a downward negative spiral.

As soon as I recognize the unwanted pattern in the conversation I simply say, “Excuse me, may I ask you a question?” The other person usually stops talking and replies, “Sure, go ahead.” Then I follow this up with the question, “Okay, so what’s your point?”

Another way of doing this is to say with a chuckle, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude.” Then after a brief pause in the conversation I’ll quickly follow with, “So what’s your point?” or “So what’s your outcome?”

Both of these methods have an uncanny way of completing the conversation in an elegant manner without upsetting the other person to any significant degree. I find that this strategy is a good alternative to avoiding people completely, acting like you’re too busy to listen, or having to sit through a long, unpleasant conversation out of courtesy.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Sometimes it becomes necessary to break a person’s thought patterns in order to keep a conversation on time and on purpose. By respectfully getting attention, gaining permission, and asking a pointed question, you’ll be able to manage most out-of-control conversations by stopping the excessive flow of unpleasant or unproductive time-consuming words.

Last week my friend Tony and I had breakfast at Hof’s Hut, a popular local eatery in Long Beach, California. We go there occasionally for the Texas Chili Scramble and their out-of-this-world hash brown potatoes with grilled peppers.

Tony and I took the Dale Carnegie course together years ago so we have a common bond around topics around business success and personal achievement. So at breakfast that morning I got to talking about the downward stock market by saying, “I blame it all on our short-sighted government.”

Tony’s immediate reply was “Steve, that’s not necessarily true.”

Because of our common Dale Carnegie training, Tony and I both know that whenever you’re trying to make a convincing argument or definitive statement it is important to get your facts straight first. Before launching into my remarks, it would have been wiser to preface myself by saying, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that our sight-sighted government is to blame for our current stock market mess.”

By using the “Correct me if I’m wrong” phrase other people will be more willing to cut you some slack when it comes to the accuracy of the facts presented. This allows the facts of the matter to be reexamined and the intended meaning of your statements more clearly defined rather than meet immediate resistance.

I find that this phrase is particularly important with certain types of individuals who habitually demand high levels of accuracy in their line of work. For example, two of my closest friends are lawyers and accountants so I’m in the habit of making sure that I have my facts straight when I’m talking to them about important legal or financial matters. But even with trivial matters like the time I said that a local Mexican restaurant had “the best chicken tacos in the world,” I could sense that my accountant friend Michael was uneasy about the “in the world” part of my comment.

In order to maintain rapport and respect with key people on important matters make sure that your statements are as accurate as possible. If they are not, you can safely enter a conversation by prefacing your remarks by simply saying, “Correct me if I’m wrong” “As a general observation” or “Based on what I understand up to this point.”

THE BOTTOM LINE

You’ll look a lot smarter and come across as being much more refined if you qualify your important opinions, statements, comments, evaluations, and remarks. All it takes is an acute awareness of the situation and a few handy phrases to serve the purpose of defining the level of accuracy or significance in the words you choose.

Have you ever noticed how skillful sales professionals can avoid conflict and keep almost any conversation on the positive, constructive side of things?

It’s no accident.

Here’s one of the powerful communication tool that they use to help avoid unnecessary arguments and build stronger business relationships that last. This is also a useful technique for dating and romantic love relationships as well.

My friend Earl is quite a slick salesman. Years ago, he had the difficult job of selling PennySaver Newspaper ads to small businesses by doing door-to-door. Since that time, Earl has moved up in the world to be a highly-paid salesperson in the medical supply industry. A lot of Earl’s sales success can be attributed to his skillful use of words.

One of Earl’s favorite tactics is to handle any objections or resistance from his prospects and customers by simply saying the words, “All I can say is people love our products.”

Those simple words spoken in an easy manner have a magical way to putting things to rest.

Earl does this in his personal life as well. Last night I went out to dinner with a group of friends including him to the Yucatan Mexican Grill in our hometown. When a discussion started to get a little heated about the current government’s economic stimulus bill, Earl said, “All I can say is it’s not stimulus, it’s pork.”

Earl’s “All I can say” phrases are used whenever he meets resistance to his ideas. He does this in order to end a debate and prevent the opposition from increasing their momentum or building their case against him. It could be that people are actually disagreeing with him or that they simply aren’t fully buying into what he’s saying.

Another way that Earl uses this tactic is to add an expert’s opinion to what he’s saying. For example, Earl might say something like this when engaging again on the topic of the government’s economic stimulus bill, “All is can say is a panel of experts on The Financial News Network all agree that there’s little or no stimulus in the stimulus bill.” If Earl were to receive any resistance to his remarks, he could simply say, “It’s not what I’m saying, it’s what the financial experts are saying.”

THE BOTTOM LINE

We could all learn bit more about managing the downside in our everyday conversations by using the “All I can say” phrase whenever we want to put an end to a potentially harmful debate and avoid unnecessary confrontation with others who don’t agree with us or want to prove us wrong.

There are some people who want to talk on and on about themselves with little regard for the person they are conversing with. And while it is human nature to think of oneself first, it is completely selfish and unwise to think exclusively about yourself and have little or no interest at all in other people.

Alfred Adler, the Austrian medical doctor and founder of the school of Individual Psychology, wrote, “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.”

So for relationship success, here’s how sincere interest works:

If you are able to show sincere interest in other people, they usually respond favorably because you have made them feel more important. But if the interest you show is not perceived as sincere, they will feel like you’re just being patronizing or condescending.

So being sincere in your manner is really the key to showing interest. The problem is that it is hard to be sincere when you’re not a sincere person. Sincerity comes from caring about your fellow human being as you would yourself.

For some people, it’s easier to develop interest in others by looking at each person as someone to learn from. Studying how other people think, feel, and behave can provide valuable lessons on what to emulate as well as what not to in life.

If you’re trying to impress other people, don’t make the common mistake of talking too much about yourself. You’ll find that the reverse approach is more effective. The more that you let the other people talk and allow yourself to be impressed by them, the more likely they will be captivated and impressed by your unexpected interest and attention.

THE BOTTOM LINE

There are many strategies and techniques for improving your communication with others. But your effectiveness with other people is more largely determined by your sincere interest in them. You will gain the respect and cooperation of other people by first giving of yourself with your attention, compassion, empathy, and interest.

Last night, my girlfriend and I watched the latest episode of the classic romance-reality show, The Bachelor. For those who aren’t familiar with this show, one handsome successful eligible man who is known as “the bachelor” chooses a potential wife from 25 single women through a series of elimination dates. This process continues for several weeks until the bachelor selects one woman with whom he’ll either ask to marry or, in most cases, ask to continue a relationship with.

In last night’s episode Stephanie, a single mother from Alabama, was eliminated from a field that included 4 other ladies. After eliminating Stephanie from the competition, Jason, the bachelor said to her “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”

So if Jason thought that Stephanie was the most amazing person he’s ever met, why did he eliminate her?

There could be multiple reasons why this happened but one of them is that the two of them didn’t connect especially well in their communication styles. The striking communication trait that I observed from watching Stephanie interact was that she talked at a slower pace than everyone else. And while that trait may have some charm at first, talking slowly starts to wear on who don’t usually speak at that pace over time. The fear for those who are most comfortable at faster speeds of conversation is to have someone like Stephanie tell a long boring story and be forced to listen politely.

The key to proper pacing when you’re speaking is to be flexible. There are times to speak quickly like when you’re giving a quick overview of something with lots of details. And there are times to talk at a more leisurely pace like when you’re expressing deep felt emotion. The error that people commonly make in their communication with another person is having only one speed of talking whether it’s too fast or too slow.

Getting another person to respond to you is about communicating in a similar style especially the speed in which you talk. Two people will enter each other’s world without their conscious awareness by talking at the same pace and volume. But equally important, two people will fail to connect if there is a big difference in the style in which they talk.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Developing basic rapport is vital to building relationships. Make sure that adjust your communication style to suit your audience. By speaking at the same speed, you will be taking an important step towards creating an instant unconscious bond with the people you interact with.

Let me begin by asking you a question: Have you ever told a lie before? The answer is of course we have. But now let me ask you this: How would you like it if someone called you a liar? You see a few words make a ton of difference in meaning and emotion.

Here’s a recent story that helps illustrate this point further:

At a February 2009 breakfast meeting, University of Tennessee’s newly-hired football coach, Lane Kiffin, was reprimanded by the SEC (Southeast Conference) for falsely accusing 2-time National Champion University of Florida coach Urban Meyer of a recruiting violation.

This is exactly how coach Kiffen was quoted: “I’m gonna turn Florida in right here in front of you,” Kiffin said. “While Nu’Keese was on campus, his phone kept ringing. One of the coaches says, ‘Who’s that?’ And he said, ‘Urban Meyer.’”

Nu’Keese Richardson, a highly-recruited high school football star from Florida, signed with the University of Tennessee, despite having indicated he would sign with Coach Urban Meyer’s University of Florida.

Kiffin then told the crowd, “I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him.”

The next day on a nationally-syndicated sports talk show, the host of that show said that Kiffen called Meyer “a cheater.” On the surface, that may appear to be correct, but in fact, Kiffen actually said “Urban had to cheat.” What Coach Kiffen did not do was slap on a negative label by calling Coach Meyer “a cheater.”

There is a big difference between the two wordings. Here’s how I mean:

Unless evidence proves that a person is excessive, inappropriate, and intentional in their behavior, a negative label such as liar, cheater, loser, crook, etc. is not accurate. In the previous example, the sports talk show host should have said something like this, “Coach Kiffen told a breakfast crowd that Urban Meyer had to cheat.” which would have been correct. However, the talk show host made the mistake of saying that Kiffen called Urban “a cheater” which he did not in fact do.

I bring this up because a negative label, identity, or generalization will automatically cause other people to take offense. Unless you’re trying to stir up controversy and polarize emotions like a talk show host, refrain from calling people names, slapping on negative labels, and making gross generalizations based on a single incident.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Calling people names by slapping on negative labels is a guaranteed way to cause unnecessary friction in your relationships. This happens because the offended party can almost always find a counterexample which will make your generalization untrue. Choose only to make statements that are also less offensive and more accurate if building relationships that last is your objective. Remember that a few poorly chosen words can make a huge difference in the wrong direction.