Dating-Love-Relationships.com ~ Steve Nakamoto's Blog

Last week, a woman wrote to me about her heartbreaking romantic breakup. When stating why the man left the relationship, she said that it had something to do with her having a bad temper, a bad attitude, and complaining too much.

My immediate reply to her was that she suffered from an overabundance of disguised negativity. What she didn’t realize is that negativity is more than just about talking in a negative manner. Negativity may take the form of other emotions such as sadness, anger, sarcasm, criticism, fear, disappointment, judgment, worry, doubt, regret, hurt, treating other people poorly, making other people wrong, frequent emotional upsets, and excessive confrontation.

Negativity is a lot like having weeds in your backyard garden. Both are realities of life that cannot be ignored. You can’t just be positive about everything and pretend that negativity does not exist. That’s like looking into a neglected garden and chanting in denial, “There are no weeds. There are no weeds.”

Negativity has its purpose. It can bring contrast to your life. It is like the minor key in music. It brings emotion to the surface. And it is also a call to action – for you to move out of a stuck negative state and into a more empowering one.

Think of negativity as something that must be conquered or else it will conquer you. You simply learn to experience the value of negativity, but then you move forward into a more resourceful state of mind.

In order to handle negativity more effectively, here are some helpful guidelines to follow:

1. Recognize when you’re in one: It’s like getting caught swimming in a riptide. Recognize that you’re in a riptide and then swim to the side. Most people don’t recognize the situation whether it’s a riptide or negativity. Without recognition, a person simply continues doing what they are doing to their own detriment.

2. Make a radical change in your body: This means to change such things as your facial expression from a frown to a smile, breathe deep instead of shallow, stand tall instead of slumped, or look up and not down.

3. Do something else: Change your focus by staying busy, occupying your mind, changing your environment, putting on some music, or hopping into the car and going to your favorite coffeehouse for a treat.

4. Change the meaning of your experience: Ask yourself this simple question, “What could be the empowering benefit or lesson from this experience?” Think hard on this until you come up with an answer or two that is real for you.

5. Put a new label on the experience: If you’ve labeled this experience as say “catastrophic” for example, change the key word or phrase to “a learning experience.”

Remember that being characterized as a “negative person” will naturally repel people and the opportunities they would bring to you. When negativity inevitably comes into your life, be sure to convert its energy into something of value so that you can continue being a source of wisdom, love, and joy which naturally attracts the good.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Learning to recognize and handle negativity is one of the great disciplines of life. Be sure to raise your awareness around this critical topic so that you can stop it from destroying your life. Remembering that negativity often comes disguised in other emotions is a big step towards getting your life back on track and moving in the direction of the desires that are deep within your heart.

Watching women’s tennis pro, Serena Williams, embarrass herself by losing her temper at the 2009 U.S. Open in New York, reminded me of the importance of keeping your cool under pressure. Not doing so in only one occurrence, as in the case of Serena Williams, can ruin a person’s reputation despite all the apologizing in the world.

So I offer you a short course in something we commonly refer to as “anger management.” The following is designed to help you build strong relationships and preserve your positive reputation by effectively handling difficult situations involving common everyday emotional upsets.

To help you maintain a more resourceful state of mind, here are guidelines on how to lower your negative intensity and thereby gain immediate emotional control when faced with potential upsets:

1. Start from a clear position of love & respect.

If your core intention is be a more loving and respectful human being towards you and other people, this entire process of anger management will flow much easier when you begin with the right mindset.

2. If the hurtful or painful action was not intentional, then you only allow yourself to get a bit annoyed.

People sometimes do or say things that inadvertently hurt another person. Give the person a break because their actions weren’t meant to harm you. When you only let yourself to be “a bit annoyed,” you are keeping things at an appropriate low emotional level.

3. If the hurtful or painful action was not excessively, then you only allow yourself to be slightly peeved about it.

Occasionally, people will do or say things that naturally trigger pain in others. If these offenders were to realize the effects of their actions, they would cut out their unwanted behavior. Give them some slack if their painful acts are infrequent or insignificant in number. Being “slightly peeved” is another way of responding with lower emotional intensity.

4. If the hurtful or painful action was appropriate, then you only allow yourself to feel slightly below average.

Sometimes a painful action is merited because it was meant to prevent a greater or more lasting pain. In this case, the action may be warranted because in its proper context it was appropriate to perform. Again, reducing your response to that of “feeling slightly below average” helps you keep yourself in check.

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The key to this simple process is to understand that the only time to make a strong stand in your defense against emotional upsets is when three conditions are met. These conditions are that the hurtful action or what the other person says or does must be: (1) intentionally meant to harm or hurt you, (2) frequent in their occurrences, and (3) inappropriate in the context in which it is made.

If you don’t have all three of these conditions met, then lower the intensity with the right words and emotional responses and then just “let it go.” Letting go or releasing the negative energy is the icing on the cake when it comes to moving forward after a small everyday upset inevitably comes your way. Practicing this type of daily discipline will also build strong character and raise your self-esteem as a natural by-product.

Don’t let small upsets turn into big problems in your personal and professional relationships. Learn how to lower your negative emotional responses so that you can understand your situation more clearly. Don’t waste excessive energy on insignificant annoyances which inevitably occur around other people. Develop the mental discipline to handle your upsets with emotional maturity which is a major key to building strong relationships that last.

Here’s an all-too-common situation: A guy says to his girlfriend, “You look nice today.” However, to his disappointment she replies, “I don’t look so good, don’t you think I look a little bit fat and ugly?”

On the surface, you might think this woman’s response is a sign of modesty, but most experts would agree that it is more likely a sign of destructive low self-esteem.

Self-esteem reflects whether a person loves, accepts, and believes in who they are. The simplest and most powerful way to raise a person’s self-esteem is to improve that person’s way of thinking. This isn’t necessarily easy, but improved self-esteem can result by adopting these eight new thinking patterns:

1. Rediscover and reaffirm your personal strengths: Sometimes you have to take a new inventory on what you like about your looks, smile, body, sexiness, health, personality, and character strengths. For areas you don’t feel real positive about, try to be more accepting of those unique features (Example: having a nose of character).

2. Figure out the hidden strengths in your so-called weaknesses: There is always a positive in every negative if you look hard enough. For instance, you may think of yourself as stubborn, but the flip side is that you’re also persistent and dependable.

3. Make a long list of your personal breakthroughs: Think of times when you did something that you thought that never could do but managed to pull off successfully. These breakthroughs can generate an authentic source of never-ending pride in you. (Example: speaking up and presenting good points at a business meeting)

4. Avoid negative comparisons: Human beings can amplify or reduce their value by contrasting themselves either positively or negatively with others. But the most common trait of a person who has developed low self-esteem is to diminish themselves by contrasting how they don’t measure up to others.

5. Stop the critic inside of you: Some people have a nasty habit of putting themselves down often. They say damaging things to themselves like, “I’m always late. Why am I such a flake?” or “There I go again, stupid!” Get in the new habit of catching yourself saying critical things about yourself and learn to silence your inner critic.

6. Quit blaming yourself for mistakes in the past: Some things are only minimally in your control, but people who possess low self-esteem take the full blame for the resulting negative outcomes. Instead, learn to honor your efforts and give proper credit for things that you have done well or done right.

7. Have more compassion for yourself: Realize the adversity of life can make you a stronger and more understanding person. The pain that you suffered in the past can help you relate to a wider array of people. Your suffering makes you more human if you choose to channel it in that more enlightened manner.

8. Be your own cheerleader: The energy and enthusiasm of a cheerleader is necessary in order to make the radical emotional changes required to raise your self-esteem. Use this analogy to illustrate how you talk to yourself, handle adversity, and summon up the courage to pursue your interests and dreams. Being your own cheerleader isn’t silly, it’s smart and contagious.

THE BOTTOM LINE

High self-esteem is attractive while low self-esteem is not. If you want to attract, get, keep, and enjoy the love of your dreams, then it’s important to maintain a high level of self-esteem. It will keep prospective men interested, but more importantly high self-esteem will add to your own well-being.

I read a lot of stories from disgruntled women on my “Ask Mr. Answer Man” message board about men who lie and destroy the trust in their relationships. I don’t defend men for behavior that is detrimental to building honesty and love. But I do think that it is useful to give women some perspectives on how they can understand men better.

The following reasons are why men choose to lie instead of telling the truth to women. My hope is that you will come to understand men better and lay down the groundwork for a more honest and trustworthy love relationship in the future.

1. SOME MEN DON’T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH LYING:

This means that some guys are just liars and that’s what they do best. Evidently, these men don’t see how a lack of trust will undermine any love relationship. But since they’ve never examined the issue, they will continue to lie because it has helped them achieve their short-term objectives in the past.

2. WHAT THEY LIE ABOUT IS NOT IMPORTANT:

Sometimes, a guy will slip and say something that isn’t totally true because it is not very important to them. If the thing they are lying about is of little consequence to them, then what’s the big deal? It’s part of the freedom of doing and saying whatever they want, whenever they want.

3. SHE WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND AND WOULD MOST LIKELY MAKE IT WORSE:

This is probably the biggest reason why men lie. By telling the truth, their fear is that the woman will evaluate solely from her point-of-view and not consider his side of the story. Rather than deal with this situation, a guy will often tell what he sees as a “little white lie” in order to avoid setting off a chain-reaction of other unwanted emotions in the woman. However, this also becomes a convenient “excuse” for men that justifies their negative actions and minimizes the “wrong” of lying.

4. SHE REALLY CAN’T HANDLE THE TELL THE TRUTH:

Along the same lines, the man may have a conviction that the woman cannot manage her upsets. If he lives with that woman, then it makes life at home totally miserable. If the relationship is already unstable, this added upset may lead to complete chaos.

5. IT’S BETTER TO NOT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL:

A lot of men see that lying by omission is a less offensive way of avoiding the truth. If the subject is not brought up at all or stonewalled immediately, then maybe the issue will go away or be dealt with when the reference is outdated and emotions have simmered down.

6. MEN WILL LIE NOW AND HOPE THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE LATER:

Lying is often a short-term solution to avoiding confrontation. Some men feel that a little bit of lying now will avoid that confrontation and that maybe things will change in the future and this will all become a non-issue to the woman. In addition, lying is a selfish way to protecting the liar without considering the other person’s best interests.

7. SOME GUYS LIE BECAUSE THE TRUTH ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH:

In the effort to impress a woman and show a proud front, a man will often exaggerate, distort, or delete certain truths. That’s because the truth about them may not be good enough in the man’s opinion to hold the attention/affection of the woman in a competitive dating world. Once this pattern is established, a man may continue until his lies are discovered.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Lying destroys trust in a relationship. And a lack of trust can ruin even the most promising love affairs. The best you can do is make trust the higher priority and demonstrate that honesty and caring can go together when both men and women approach their challenges with emotional maturity.

With the current trend of women surpassing men in education and the workplace, it has spawned the dating situation where a less-successful man career-wise is paired with a more and often times much more successful woman in terms of income and status.

For those of you who have been fans of the hit television series Sex and the City, this is the classic relationship challenge that was presented to Amanda, the lawyer and Steve, the bartender. And for those romantics out there, these two ended up getting married! (In TV land, that is.)

So for women who are doing well in the marketplace and find themselves facing this kind of dating situation, here are some observations from a male perspective to help you adjust and give love a chance to succeed:

1. IF YOU MAKE THIS A BIG ISSUE, THEN EXPECT IT TO TAKE THE FOCUS AWAY FROM DEVELOPING TRUE ROMANTIC CHEMISTRY.

Not all men can make the adjustment. A smart woman will recognize this and do her best to gauge how much of an issue this is for the man. If his male ego gets in the way of his true love for a woman, then an intelligent female has to move on.

2. DON’T STEAL HIS THUNDER IN THE BEGINNING.

In the courtship stage, it’s important that a man show his interest in winning her over by doing romantic things. These things usually require him to spend money. So let him do this and adjust to a more reasonable budget and some shared expenses later on.

3. THE MAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING SECURE IN HIMSELF.

As long as he sees himself as being successful in his own world, the woman’s success shouldn’t be much of a problem. It’s only a problem if he thinks less of himself or becomes too macho about an outdated or inappropriate role as the warrior, protector, and provider. He should be thinking that the woman who chooses to be with him is not after his money or for him to pay her way. She’s looking for a man who treats her with kindness, thoughtfulness, and respect. This is a good thing for an enlightened man.

4. BE PREPARED TO SHARE EXPENSES EVENLY OR IN PROPORTION TO YOUR RESPECTIVE INCOMES AS THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPS.

This is a more emotionally mature and logical way of handling the topic of money. Do this for non-romantic items and leave some play for those things that are either fun, romantic, or insignificant in their cost.

5. TOO MUCH OF A GAP IN INCOME MAY SIGNAL AN EQUALLY LARGE GAP IN VALUES AND LIFESTYLES.

Sometimes opposites attract initially. It can be very interesting in the beginning of a relationship. But over time, commonality and compatibility are necessary for growth. Sometimes differences in success are the result of differences in education. If that is the case, then a woman would be more suited for a man who is closer to her equal.

6. A MEGA-SUCCESSFUL WOMAN WON’T HAVE THE TIME TO ATTEND TO MANY TRADITIONAL CHORES. A MAN MUST WELCOME THE ADJUSTMENT.

A successful woman will usually have to work longer hours because of her greater responsibilities in the workplace. A man may have to provide some support by cooking dinner, buying groceries, or cleaning the house periodically. He will usually get compensated by her sincere appreciation and understanding. Helping out with these kinds of chores and not a big deal about will help the chances of this type of relationship. A man who is firmly stuck in the traditional male and female roles will not work well in this situation.

7. A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN WILL NOT TOLERATE A LAZY MAN FOR VERY LONG.

A man doesn’t have to make a ton of money in his chosen profession, but he should be doing his best, have passion for his work, and display some sort of ambition. Otherwise, this kind of relationship will build up the kind of resentment that truly tests the quality of the attachment.

Income and status aren’t issues unless a couple makes them that way. Succeeding in a relationship in this environment requires both participants to adjust their roles, rules, and responsibilities so that the focus is on the bigger issue….love.

This weekend I attended the Orange County Fair in Southern California. As a normal guy, I couldn’t help but notice all of the beautiful women walking around the fair in their nice summer outfits.

On the surface, it would appear that Orange County is a single man’s paradise. But for many of my male friends in this area, the reality of dating here is not as wonderful as it may seem. The challenge that my guy friends face in this area is finding an unspoiled single woman they can relate to who is beautiful both inside and out.

But single women in this area don’t have it so easy either. With so many beautiful women being seen around Orange County, they face the challenge of intense competition on the basis of physical appearance. And while there is no denying that looks are important in appealing to single men, the problem with Orange County single women is their lack of understanding about what makes them highly attractive to men over time.

In order to develop lasting appeal to men in a non-competitive way, be sure to fully develop these five facets of a woman’s persona:

• THE HOTTIE.

This is the sexy, feminine part of a woman that makes her desirable to men. Being a “hottie” involves how she looks, moves, and acts. In terms of looks, our popular culture largely defines what makes a woman physically attractive. In addition, a smart woman should aim to be physically fit and have a healthy attitude about her body. A “hottie” acts with confidence, playfulness, sensuality, and mystique. She dresses in a way that accentuates her highlights tastefully. She moves elegantly with attractive and feminine hand gestures, facial expressions, and body postures. Most importantly, the woman who is most largely characterized as a “hottie” is the first one who grabs the attention of men. If you want a man to be really into you from the start, then make a strong impression with your “hottie” element early on. Being a “hottie” isn’t everything when it comes to love. But having a “hottie” element in your personality mix makes you more attractive to men and may clearly set you apart from your immediate competition. When the moment is appropriate, don’t hesitate to give your dating prospects a good glimpse of your “hottie” ingredient in action.

• THE SWEETIE.

This is the side of a woman that brings warmth, kindness, sensitivity, and peacefulness to a relationship. The “sweetie” is a understanding, supportive, and caring woman, which are outstanding qualities to have for long-term love relationships. In the short-run, the “sweetie” may be overlooked because of a competing “hottie.” The “sweetie” may occasionally hear men say, “I would never want to hurt you” because they may like her more like a sister or close friend than as a lover. But it is the “sweetie” element that men adore and like so it should never be discounted or underappreciated. While a man’s physical desires naturally wane, his enjoyment of a true “sweetie” always remains intact. A “hottie” who doesn’t have a “sweetie” element within her is a prime candidate for an unfortunate love-hate relationship.

• THE PAL.

What good is it for a couple to have common interests, similar values, and mutual attraction, if they can’t stand each other? In my years as a professional tour director, I have frequently come across vacationing couples who always seem to get on each other’s nerves. I often wonder how miserable their lives have been over all the years. It seems these partners really don’t get along, and they treat each other with hostility rather than with the warmth and kindness of a dear friend. True friends are usually patient, kind, supportive, compassionate, and fun to be around. On the other hand, people in difficult relationships will typically treat their partners with an assortment of controlling demands, insensitive remarks, and unfair judgments. A strong “pal” side of a woman allows her to be a great companion who can easily get along with a man’s friends and family. She naturally becomes a part of his social lifestyle. She is someone that he can enjoy taking anywhere, under most any circumstance, regardless of whom else is there. The woman who has a strong “Pal” element can expect to spend more time with a man, and she will have a better chance of expanding their relationship into a more full-time true love partnership.

• THE PRIZE.

Men often value a woman based partly on what other men think. As silly as it might sound, this behavior is based on a psychological element identified as “social proof” by Dr. Robert B. Cialdini in the book, Influence: The New Psychology of Modern Persuasion. The principle behind “social proof” is that we unconsciously will feel and do the same as others around us. In the case of “The Prize,” a woman who is desired by other men will have a higher perceived value. If a woman isn’t desired by others, then that naturally makes a man wonder if there might be something wrong with her as a potential love partner. When a woman is highly “prized,” then a man will recognize his window of opportunity with her. He’ll know that if he doesn’t act quickly, he probably won’t get a chance with her again. This man’s fear is that she will be won over by the next guy who tries to get her attention. The fear of a lost opportunity causes men to pursue quicker and harder with a woman who is in demand.

• THE PERSON.

This part of a woman is respected for her accomplishments, talents, knowledge, expertise, and strength of character. A sensitive man is in awe of any woman who can consistently demonstrate her strengths as an overall responsible, mature, trustworthy, and loving human-being. This kind of respect becomes a vital ingredient to making any love relationship work in the long term, whether it’s a social, professional, or romantic relationship. When a woman enters the dating world without a strong “Person” element, she will likely come across men who treat her like a doormat. They will be inclined to ignore the loving individual that she truly is inside.

By integrating these five aspects into your personality mix, you will become an irresistible love partner that men will want to have in their lives. This is the only kind of woman who will have the impact, versatility, dimension, depth, and endurance to keep a man’s ever-changing desires satisfied over the long haul.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Dating sucks when you either can’t attract a good man or are unable to keep men interested in you very long. But dating rocks when your appeal is powerful enough to attract a wide choice of high-quality suitors. Then your varied personality mix will be even more richly appreciated as your love relationship develops over time.